QuestionThe thing is...I have tried several times to have a heart to heart conversation...he wants no part and keeps calling me fake...it breaks my heart. There's been a couple times were I felt as though he was listening to me...but then it takes a turn for the worse. I also seem to push him away further when I talk with him. We do have a counseling appointment coming up, although he keeps saying its not going to help. Did I make a mistake of telling him we can not have sex anymore until he knows what he wants? I feel like maybe he was trying to show me he cares and wants to try, now I am getting nothing...not even a text message.
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My husband and I have been married for almost nine years. We are both on our second marriage and have children from both, we also have a seven year old child together.
For 6 years we traveled together across the U.S because his job required him to relocate. Although this was tough on us, we vowed that we would always stick together and move toagetehr so the family could be close; we were very close, everyone admired us. We did everything together,after three years on the road I even went to work with him, and he constanly bragged about how great a wife i was.
We recently moved to Puerto Rico. While here we started our own business, it was very exciting. We landed a huge contract and money was just rolling in. Our egos began to grow. My husband began buying so many assets, boat, truck, we bought a house, nice car, but I slowly began to fear that we were getting in over our heads. I need to list exactly what has happened in within two years we started a business, moved to Puerto Rico,(we are not fluent in Spanish), have four kids, we had to ship all our stuff from the U.S to here, we bought a home and started a huge renovation on it( we knocked downwalls, tore out the kitchen, etc,), we hired a thirty man crew, on top of all this we practice judo 4 days a week! This is a lot , I know... and I knew it was going to come crashing down on us at some point, and it did. Our superintendant and foremna, both two of my husbands best friends, went underneath him and stole our contract, we are no out of work and desperately looking for other jobs. Eric felt so back stabbed, and betrayed. The contractors owe us a lot of money, a lot. I think my husband knew this was coming...but I feel like he is taking everything out on me.
About four weeks ago we were having trouble getting paid from our contractor...it was a big mess...we owe thousands of dollars in taxes...all this was going on and I felt something bad was going to happen...I made the mistake of nagging him and telling him that they were playing him...he didnt want to hear any of this. A week later he left for Miami on a business trip...we were still fighting before he left...I refused to call him when he was there..until a few days went by...by then he wouldnt call me back. My gut told me something was really wrong...I had never felt htis pain before...I finally reached him and he sad coldly " we have to talk when i get home". When he came home he announced that he needed space from me and wanted a divorce...he didnt even think his thoughts through. He started saying he was miserable and had been for years....I didnt believe him, he never showed any signs. We always had a great sex life, and enjoyed outdoor activities toghher. His reasonings were just irrational...I felt like he was making some of his problems up. I couldnt take hearing him say anything else, and I didnt want him to leave because of the kids... so I decided to leave and go to my moms house for two weeks. All this really came to a shock and made no sense to me...we always laugh and goof and I am his biggest fan! It really hurt.
We spent that weekend togher before I left for my moms...I was crying and clingy to him...it was as if he loved seeing me so vulnerable...his actions and tone was so shallow and detached.....detached that is what he has been telling me he feels for me...detached, over and over. But if he is so detached why was he shocked when I told him I was leaving? When I told him he said" really that fast?" I said you want space why are you acting like you dont want me to go? his response to that was " its like a push and pull game, now you are pulling away and I am pushing" he sais this while he was trying to act cold. Imediatly I thought things were going to be ok.
We had sex the night I left...he wanted too, he always wants to, even even tells me he thinks I am so gorgeaous and he is extremely attracted to me but he just isnt in love or loves me anymore.
While I was at my moms I couldnt refrain from calling him and crying while I was gone, the loneliness from being away from my kids and family was teaaring me apart. He was so mean on the phone and demanded a divorce, I was constantly asking him if we could go to counseling but he insisted that if I came home he was going to get an apartment. I was so afraid of that. We have a mutual friend, our Judo instructor, who has been talking with us both throughout this, me moreso. He gives me advice and tells me to lay his game. He thinks he is being selfish and too hard on me.
When I came home I asked him not to get an apartment, because that would mean a definite divorce, so he said he would stay on our boat for awhile, becasue that would mean he would be trying. When I got home he held me that night, I was more for that then he was, but he was refraining from "getting horny" as he puts it. so I told him that he would have to leave in the morning because I didnt think I could resist trying to get him to stay home. He left...its been a week and he has been going to judo and the gym with me acting as good friends...it was really nice. Two nights ago we left Judo after practicing the entire time toghether, he kissed me goodbye...I told him he could come for dinner and he said he didnt want to drive back and forht.. But later that night he called me while he was already on his way over and said he needed to take a shower...when he got there I made him dinner then he started groping on me, grabbing me and kissing me...I told him no kind of playfully, because I was so happy. So he left, but then I text messaged him and said that I really wanted him there I just didnt want to get confused...so he came back..he stayed all night, and held me till morning...we later went to the gym then he came again yesterday for dinner...but his attitude changed , he was distant again. I asked him what the matter was...since he was leaving again for miami I wanted to watch a movie and sit with him, but he started again with all the distant crap. I finally told him without crying that he was confusing me and that we shouldnt have sex anymore till he knows what he wants...but I didnt get the reaction I wanted...it was like the situation took 100 steps backwards..no we were back to him not caring at all anymore.
Please tell me what I should do...this all happened at once, why cant he see that when all his friends backstabbed him, we werent getting paid, he was traveling so much...and we lost the contract all at once...this is no time to throw all that anger at me and say that our realationship was miserable...IT WASN'T! He is in Miami now, he hasnt called yet...I am still doing my job with the company...I run teh office, and design/graphics department... I control our website, design our brochures and Bcards...I do it all! And thats another thing...he has said basically he needs me for all this...he wants to remain business partners..which for our family and both of us will be the best choice...but I guess he is just making me feel like I am only good enough for certain things. Sex and work...and right now he is a little detached from the kids...I take care of the home and them at the moment...and yes I am hanging in there for them...they are not aware of the extent of the situation.
Could you please give me some insight....maybe some advice and steps on what to do or say to make him come back around...I dont know this man, he is not the guy I was married to.
Thanks
Francesca
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Hi Francesca~
You should sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him when he gets back from this trip. I would strongly urge you to suggest to him that you both go to marriage counseling to salvage what's left of this relationship. Tell him that you both have too much to lose if you divorce, and that you're more than willing to do whatever it takes to make this work.
And that you can totally understand that he's having a rough time coming to terms with the fact that he got "taken" by these "friends." But that it's not fair to you that he's taking this out on you. It's not your fault this happened, in fact, this is the time now that you need each other the most. And the relationship, even though is rocky at the moment, you can both overcome this unfortunate situation, but together as a team, not separately or by fighting each other (after all what do you accomplish when you fight and argue over this stuff, nothing, it only makes the whole situation worse).
But at the same time, he needs to decide what he wants and to stick with it. He can't be wishy washy with what he wants to do. You simply can't keep going on wondering if he's going to leave or stay, b/c it's taking a huge toll on you, the marriage and the children.
Whatever decision you make it's not going to be easy. At this point all you can do is take it one day at a time, and see what happens.
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
AnswerHi again Francesca~
He's being very selfish right now, and doesn't seem to care about how all this is affecting you either. Yes, you did the right thing by withholding sex from him. It's been my experience that when a marriage is in trouble and there is a separation going on (and even impending divorce), that the man still feels he's entitled to sex with his wife. That's is complete and utter BS, b/c he's only out to satisfy his own selfish sexual needs and desires. Don't give into him. He'll use you for the sex and then leave and keep treating you like crap, don't fall for it. You have to be strong and show him that he doesn't have control over you and your body (i.e - that you'll fall all over yourself when he makes sexual advances toward you and you give in all the sudden).
You should go with your heart and do what's right for you. Don't let him talk you into doing anything you do not want to do. But something has to give sometimes, you can't keep living this way and being treated with disrespect by him.
