QuestionAn old saying states, " Respect your wife without sacrificing your self respect ". The one who wrote it should be appreciated for such a nice thought, and should be condemned because he himself has no idea how difficult it is to translate words into reality.
I am 26 years old, male, hyper tensive, extremely possessive, and ultra sensitive person, studying medicine in the last year. The only worst aspect of my personality is that when I become polite, I become extremely polite. And when I become harh, I cross every limit. Genetically, I wont held my parents responsible for it, even though I have found this habit in both of them. In short, I have figured out myself as a person who can not exhibit the balance only in the case of "love" and "hate". I quoted above saying just because I want it to work in my life, but being married since six months, I do not know what are my acts which are likely to ruin my own self respect. What should I do to gain her respect, and what should not I do to save my self respect.
Another saying goes, " Respect is not demanded but commanded. " Again I find it terribly impracticable. Please help, kindly write in detail.
AnswerHi Yasir,
You seem to be an extremist indeed! The fact that you get very polite is not a bad thing. That is a good aspect. What can be bothersome is the fact that you are too harsh when you get angry. This will then nullify any advantage that you would have when you are polite. Remember that even the most polite of villains is still villain.
Let me get into some detail.......and use an example. Have you ever seen how the English in england use self control to virtually triumph over any issue with great ability and class? Their ability to control emotions is exemplary to say the least. There are other places in the world that one can observe this, but england comes to mind as a first.
It is a commonly known fact that he who controls his emotions ultimately will see victory. There are many ways to establish a platform for respect and they all include the premise that respect must be earned, in my view. The sayings that you included are true, yes, but my favorite when it comes to respect is that it is earned. even an elderly person cannot get my respect unless it is shown that that person has earned my respect. That person can be addressed my me politely, but that does not mean that I have gained respect for that person. The person must earn the respect from me. It does not even mean that if I respect that person, that that person must show me respect in return, unless I myself in turn have actually earned that persons respect. We must always be polite, and from that we can work our way to respect, in my opinion. The very premise that one would understand what it is to be polite makes it easier for that person to eventually comprehend the concept of respect, so in essence politeness is a building block for respect. Another building block for respect in my opinion, is the ability of a person to place himself in the skin of another person. To actually place yourself in the mindset of the other person, finding the ability to perceive and see what that other person sees and perhaps even get to the point of feeling what the other person feels. This is a major tool on your way to understanding respect.
Let's take for example a couple who is having an argument. What often happens.......one of the two lose control of their emotions, and the level of speech rises to include emotional outbursts that often bring back issues of the past. Then the other, having been triggered, does the same. now both people are at a level of emotional distress, each wanting to force their views upon the other. This is a typical setting for no respect whatsoever. Let us imagine that one of the partners truly controls his/her emotions. At the first sign of an outburst that person has a choice. Either to bring the conversation to a halt, explaining to the other person that a mature conversation cannot be continued if the level of emotions is not maintained and that the conversation can continue when the person has regained control over their emotions, thereby bringing the conversation back to the level where points of view can be expressed and discussed maturely. On the other hand, that person can subscribe to also losing his control.
Naturally, he/she who maintains control of his/her emotions will be able to function within a mindset that allows one to conclude, evaluate and assimilate the information being put forth in the conversation. If an issue between a man and a woman would be viewed as an issue in the board room or in the operating room, then there would be a whole lot less divorces indeed.
In my view, Yasir, any man who loses control of his emotions in any situation, sets himself up for the loss of respect by his peers as well. Ask yourself why there are certain men that carry themselves with an air of distinguished accomplishment and total confidence. Many of these men have never been seen losing control over their emotions. This is a great talent and a very very desirable trait in any person. When faced with adversity, he who can look at it as a simple issue and not as a problem will always prevail.
Yasir, any extreme can be seen as a bad thing, but not politeness. Anger, harshness......indeed. It can destroy any respect that someone would have for you based on your other good character traits. Remember that we cannot be perfect, but we can strive for perfection.
To gain a woman's respect, which is the concern that you have from what I can read in your message, you need to show her that you sincerely consider her opinions and needs. You need to show her all that is required such as kindness, a sincere will to meet her needs. You must be a strong leader, firm and assertive and take control of whatever she wishes you to take control of. There is a question of self respect now. The actions required towards gaining respect should be clear to you. You will notice that most people when faced with such actions will automatically give respect back, seeing your actions as actions designed to earn their respect.
Your self-respect? You wonder at what point you lose it? Well, that is entirely up to you. where do you set the limit? will you be on your knees to earn someones respect and thereby lose your self-respect? Of course not.........and the reason is simple. Any man that carries within him the gifts or tools of politeness, kindness, generosity and sincerity will treat others in a way that will automatically push them into a mindset of giving respect.
This is a fact. How many times have you met someone that just oozed kindness and had nothings but nice things to day about everything and everyone? A person that believed that "Live and let live" is not just a saying but a life's mission? Did this person not move you to think "My goodness, what a wonderful person this must be!" Did it not automatically arouse a feeling that you should give this person respect? Of course it did. That is a human condition. A response to a trigger. The kindness and sincerity is the trigger, and the respect is the result.
I have never met anyone in my life that did not respond well to these types of triggers. Even the most ardent bitter person will find a change of heart when constantly shown kindness ans sincerity. They cannot help themselves. There is a good human hidden somewhere in everyone.
Your self respect comes with the strengths of those attributes, Yasir. Carry yourself with pride and show only your good side, and it will ultimately become your only side. Hide the bad attributes of your character while you work on ridding yourself of them. respect will be earned and self respect will rise because of it.
Be well, Yasir, and I hope that I have helped.
kind regards,
Don.
