QuestionHello S. Kessler,
I noticed my husband of 12 years (together for 15 years as a couple) was just not himself the past week or so since his semester for school finished (he is in Pre-med), so I approached him about what was wrong, as he seemed distant, and was acting strangely towards me. He blurted out that he is miserable. He said he felt like leaving, and that he was just very unhappy. This happened 2 days before we were to leave for the Christmas break to visit his family in California. We continued on with our trip to California. While on our trip, he was still very distant and not giving me any new information. This was killing me, not knowing how to help him or even what to do to get more information from him, as he seems so "shut down". After coming to him and pretty much letting him know that I could not take the non-communication any longer, he said he wants to move out as soon as possible and get some space, some time to himself. I am devastated. I knew the seriousness of the situation was pretty high, and I was expecting for us to get into counseling as soon as possible, but I never thought he would leave before that.
This is the person who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. Here are some basics about what I do know about general problems with our relationship: We have difficulties with intimacy. We both come from broken homes with absent parents and no real role models to speak of. I am 35, he is 39. This is the first marriage for both of us.
I don't know what other information would be helpful for you in this area.
My main question is, do I have any hope at all if he moves out before we go to counseling? He says he is committed to going to counseling, but he said he is not "optimistic". He is feeling that we have been together so long and that whatever problems he foresees to be worked on are just too overwhelming. I on the other hand, am willing to give it 100% to make it work. I have already begun reading books on relationships and it is giving me more hope that things can be worked on for the better.
He is trying to move out by this week, it is all moving so fast that I can't even comprehend it all. One minute my life was normal, and the next it has crumpled at my feet.
AnswerHi Christine~
Try to convince him not to move out so swiftly and abruptly or he might come to regret it. It's a bad idea to do something in the heat of the moment and to make irrational decisions when you're upset and uncomfortable with something. And if you do decide to work it out, then he'll have the pain of moving back in, getting reacquainted with you, starting all over again, etc, etc. Instead tell him you'll gladly give him his space when he needs/wants it. B/c you're willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. Tell him then in 6 months time if things don't get better and he doesn't seen any improvement in your relationship and he still wants to move out, then you'll be supportive of that decision. Right now he owes it to you and the marriage to at the very least attempt to work on it. And moving out and running way to have time to himself isn't the answer right now. It'll only just add the problems that you're having and what he's feeling. If he's committed to you and the marriage like he claims to be, then he'll listen to you and take your suggestion and at least try and go through the motions to see if the marriage can actually improve and get better with time. With counseling he can go by himself if he'd like (to the same marriage counselor) and vent his problems, get suggestions on how to improve things, look at the issues in the marriage objectively and to stop feeling the way he's feeling currently.
Anyway, if he still stead-fastly refuses, then there's not really much you can do and his actions will certainly speak a lot louder than his words. He could just be feeling overwhelmed, the point is he's feeling this way for a reason and you have to get to the bottom of exactly why. Now, this may be something you don't want to hear or face, but I think you need to ask him if there's someone else that he's involved with and ask him if this isn't why he's doing this and acting this way. You might be surprised and if you don't ask then he's not going to divulge that information to you unless you specifically ask him if that's why he's behaving in this manner. I'll guarantee you there IS a reason for it, b/c no one asks this way for nothing.
Other than that you're doing everything right by trying to improve yourself, reading books, educating yourself on things and getting as much information as you can on marriage improvement, self improvement, etc. If it comes down to him wanting a divorce, at least you can walk away knowing that you did everything within your power to have done what you could to try and save the marriage. What it ultimately boils down to here are his personal choices in this matter. As I said before if he truly loves you and is 110% committed to you, then he'll show and prove that to you and work on himself and the marriage too. Focus on yourself and he'll do whatever he's going to do. Try not to dwell on it and get depressed or upset right now. I know it's easier said than done. But you have to know that should the marriage fail, then you did all you could to save it, and that the choice rested upon his shoulders and he was the one that refused to change and improve himself and to do his part in this marriage. If that is the case then don't blame yourself, you tried and that's all you can do. At this point all you can do is to take life one day at a time and live each day as it comes. If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
