QuestionQUESTION: Wife has been unhappy for a few months. there were signals given, but none that rang the emergency bell. I found out that she having affair with her coworker. I freaked out at first, but realized how much I lover her. now i want to work things out and she needs time on her own. I asked if she wanted a divorce and she says she doens't want to do anything drastic that she might regret in the future. she says that she realllllly likes her affair partner too becasue he makes her happy and its new. this is after 71/2 years together 1/2 years married.
ANSWER: Hi John~
It might be a good time to give her her space for now. However, you can't let this drag on for too long. She'll need to make her up mind within a certain period of time. Set a timeline of when you want to try to make things work or whether to move on with your lives separately. By giving her a little space she can decide if she wants to save the marriage or to be with the other man. You can also evaluate and decide whether you want to work it out with your wife.
I would strongly urge you to seek some marriage counseling though. This way you can figure out why she cheated on you in the first place. And you need to try and fix whatever went wrong that led her to stray and be with another man. Most times when a person cheats it's due to something lacking in the marriage.
If possible you need to try and sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. She needs to know exactly how this is making you feel. And what you're willing and unwilling to put with in this marriage. The hard thing is going to be learning to trust her again after this incident. B/c typically when a person cheats they can be tempted to cheat again due to various reasons. Talk to her and see if you can't work something out.
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QUESTION: Well, we have been separated for about a week. Before the separation we had our heart to heart talk. She stated that there is no passion left in our marriage and she does not know if she is as in love with me as before, but loves me to death. That the cheating just happened and was not planned.
We had lunch today. After lunch, we went back to the house, layed in bed and kissed for awhile. She asked about my weekend and if I talked to any women. I told her that women did hit on me (which they did), but I showed no interest. She is still hesitant to talk about our future which i only asked one time. i don't want to push her away like I did when I found everything out. Funny how that situation works. You leave her alone she slowly comes around, but if you persistently call and beg for her back, she wants nothing to do with you.
There is definitely a huge change in her behavior (for the better) towards me since our initial separation. She would have never kissed and spent time with me like today.
Although, I must admit that my stress level of emotions from being scared to death and teetering between insanity has subsided to a tolerable level. Is that a sign that I may be on a faster road to recovery if the marriage is over.
I guess some of the the things that i am asking is how long should I give her before her answer or to move out to a new apartment. By the way I suggested this today since she is staying with her girlfriend, and she said no not to move out. Is that a positive sign?
Am I allowed to see other people since she has cheated? I asked her this and she said no but what right does she have to say this if she's the one who cheated. I don't think she will admit if she is messing with him at this moment, but who knows. I read somewhere that affairs need secrecy to survive like plants need sunshine without it they die. What's your opinion?
I mean I have a pretty good idea of why she cheated. I was always distant and in the same rut of our marriage. i figured since she is already my wife that I don't have do do amore. my mistake. I definitely know now all of my faults, but still that's no excuse for cheating. At least break up wit me first, but women are like monkeys swing from branch to branch when it comes to changing men. They need to make sure they have a firm grip on the next branch before they can let go of the other! sorry going of on a tangent.
It seems like there is some hope which makes me happy, but what if she is going back and forth from me to him. How do i know this, she will never tell me. This makes me feel like a punk and will eventually push me away. Thanks for anwsering my initial question. It was very imformative.
ANSWER: Hi John~
Since the separation is now official, and you're not calling her all the time, wanting to know where she is and what she's doing, etc. This has intrigued her. So, of course, not she's interested in pursuing you a bit. She's probably wondering why you're not chasing her and beating down her door wanting to know her every move. She probably thinks you're seeing other women and getting ready to move on with you life. Don't be surprised either if she want so remain in an intimate sexual relationship with you (but she'll continue to see this other man too).
Since you're now separated you're free to see other women and begin to move on with your life (and divorce her or whatever you're going to do). The point here is that you need this separation period to see what both of you really want out of this marriage. Whether you want to remain apart or if you truly do want to make a go of it and make this marriage work (again if this is your choice, then counseling should be a must). A choice has to eventually be made though. There's really no perfect time line here as to when decisions need to be made. But I'd say you should know what you want to do with this marriage in the next 6 months or so. By then a decision needs to be made and not prolonged. You also have to set a goal and work towards it.
Don't let her take advantage of you when you're feeling vulnerable which she WILL do. Set goals, boundaries and come up with a decision on what you ultimately want out of this relationship, once that decision is made go through with it. It's tough but it has to be done.
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QUESTION: Hi its me again. i know it has been quite some time since we last spoke. Well, where do I begin? As you know we were separated for a couple of weeks. She finally cam back because she was forced o leave her friends house. Which was done on purpose. So much has happended since then. she came back home a couple of weeks before x-mas. She was super empty and cold and lack any kind of emotion towards me. To make a super long story short. I was able to talk to her and finally got everything out in the open.
As it turned out she has been having sex with her affair partner which she claimed at that time that she was in love with him after just a couple of months. She also stated that if i did not snoop aropund and catch this that she would have figured it out on her own and that this would not have happened i.e. the seperation which lead to fire up the affair.
I pursued and pursued her heavy for weeks leading up to x-mas. X-mas eve she had the nerve to ask me to stay for the family dinner at our house which we host annualy and to please not ruin x-mas for her and her family. Of course she was super emoptional and crying and telling me that she was sorry and wanted to work things out, but then changed her mind and then changed her mind again. Her goal was to make me stay so she could save face in front of her family. Needless to say that I left for the night. That was just a ploy for me to appease her feeling once again.
The following day we talked. I basically gave her an ultimatmum regarding whether or not she wanted me to put up a fight for this marriage or just quit. She said QUIT! So i did. The following night she was at home begging for me to come back and that she broke it off with the other guy and to please forgive her. I refused and said it was over. She was crying the whole night and the next day her old self came out: a bunch of phone calls telling me she loved and missed me, texts with the same message, e-cards the whole works. I realy started to wonder if she was really sorry and wanted to work things out. So like an idiot I agreed to take her back. It was cool fo a couple of days until we went out for drinks and followed more of the same at home.
She got super drunk and told me that she still had feelings for the other guy, but she still broke it off. that she did not think she could get over her guilt of all she did. that hse destroyed this marriage etc... I felt so dumbfounded to have been suckered into this bull again after I felt good about my decsion to quit.
So now here I am am back in the same situation only a bit different. Now she is super nice to me, but there is no affection, no kisses, only some sex, but all of this through my intiations only. We went to a marriage counselor last week and she said that we have a good chance to make it based on the flood of emotions that we discussed. I left felling god, but I felt empty and confused with my wife. Am I making the right descion to stay and work thorugh this even though it is quite clear that she does not have the same feeling for me although she says that she is trying but its just not coming naturally to her???
Do you think the other guy is still in the picture. She is definitly not cold to me anymore and indifferent. She states that she can be with me all day watching and being together, she says that there is just no conncecton to me because she disconnected from me a few months back and does not know how to get it back. Another thing she says is that she des not want to lose me as a friend and does not want to hurt me in the near future if she decides to fully come back and then two months later changes her mind again.
Where do I go from here? my family is telling me that they respect my descions but feel she is very sefish and manupilative and is only doing this for herself to have a husband at home who is more than willing to work it out and just accept things the way they are becasue of the deperation and love. I finally exploded the other night and told her that it was over and that this is bull, that if you wanted to work it out that these felings should be there or at least somehting not just friendly kissing and hugs. That she should feel some sort of closeness and feelling towards me, but there is nothing!!! She said no that it takes time and that she still loves me and is willing to work at it!!! Hmmmmm!!!!! does not make sense to me.
Since you are a very expereinced woman in this area I guess what i need to know is am i setting mself up for a future disaaster by coming back? Is she full of crap? What is going on from the outside looking in? What do I do? What do i do? it just feels like she does not want to be completetly alone which will happen if I leave. another aspect is she feels she has power over me so she can do whatever her will pleases. Now I feel even more lost and confused. Part of me just wishes she was cold and distant which would make it easier for me to leave.
I just need some kind of answers and am looking for you since you helped out before. THKS!!!
AnswerHi John~
It sounds like you really did good for a while there. But then you let her sucker you back into "trying to work things out." Bottom line is the choice is yours to make. It's a tough thing to do when you love someone very much. But she's already stated on more than one occasion that her feelings just aren't there like a wife should love a husband. A person can't just turn on and turn off their feelings like that. It just doesn't happen, and it's highly unlikely that she's willing or even able to get those feelings back that she once had. Who knows maybe she really, truly and honestly think she can. But it's probably not ever going to happen. And I'll tell you why I think this, she's not even making the effort to try. She's more into herself and what suits her best interest and needs. She's very self absorbed right now. She's also going to tell you what she thinks/knows that you want to hear in order for you to stay with her. After all she's the one that benefits if you stay together. How you might ask? Let me explain; she gets the support of you financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, she has a roof over her head, she can play you emotions like there's no tomorrow. In other words she's getting all that she needs when she's with you. Now, on the other end, what's she giving? The answer once again is nothing but heartache, misery and even more problems than before. Not ot mention that at any time (since she doesn't feel the connection and chances are she's not attracted to you any longer--not meaning any disrespect or to be rude by saying this) she could cheat on you and be with this other man again or another one down the road for all you know. She's lied to you, cheated on you, taken advantage of you, etc, etc. The list goes on and one. What more do you need to hear that this marriage is all but over? She's staying out of convenience and maybe even out of obligation (but probably not).
You on the other hand are confused by her actions, what she says, keeps promising you that things will change, just give it time. And all that other total and complete BS lines. Anything to make her life easier will only make yours harder. And as hard as it may be to do, you really need to cut your losses and learn to tell her no and stick with it. She knows that you have this weakness for her and she's preying off of that and using that against you. You have to wake up and see this. I know that deciding to end a marriage is a rough thing. But sometimes it's a necessary evil, trust me, I know, I too struggled with this as well. It took me 5.5 year of a horrible, abusive marriage to decide that finally enough was enough and I just couldn't take it anymore. I refused to be walked on any longer, used, taken advantage of, etc. I too, wanted to stick it through and I wanted to change him. I soon found out that I can't change someone, they have to be wanting and a willing participant to change their own actions. So while you can't control how she acts, you do control how you react to her (and others). She can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. You teach a person how to treat you, did you know that? It's very true when you stop and think about it. You have to stop allowing her to treat you like crap. It all starts with you and it's never too late to change. The hardest part is taking the first step in the separation process, and then actually going through with it. It's tough. But all you can do to take life one day at a time.
You also need to set some goals for yourself. And work towards them. Set a goal for yourself as to where you want to see yourself, say, 6 months from now. They can be small or big ones. If you don't met them all then don't get discouraged. You just have to keep trying and putting one foot in front of the other. So that one day you may accomplish and achieve those goals. I also encourage you to get a support system in place of family and friends to help and encourage you along the way while you're going through this. It can make all the difference in keeping your spirit alive and well. Otherwise, she'll keep giving you false hope and promises that she's incapable of following through with, and you know this deep down in your heart of hearts. The important thing here is to go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy. This isn't about her any more. So it's my personal opinion (based on what you've described to me and the interaction I've had with you) that if you do stay with her the marriage is doomed and it will not survive much longer. And you probably already know that in your heart and that you should cut your losses while you can. I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to get ugly if/when the divorce occurs and it'll hurt like hell. But there is life after a divorce, a woman out there who can give you the love, care and respect that you fully deserve and need in life. One day at a time, remember one day at a time.
