QuestionA little background first. My Wife of less than one year, and i were together for 16 months back in -06,07 then we split apart. She She was offered the choice of moving back to the Omaha area and taking a promotion or find another job as her office in florida would be closed after the new year. We chose to make the move as it would put her back near her family. And while she was making the transition I would head back out as and over the road Truck Driver. The relationship became to strained and distant then one day it just ended. Our last conversation boiled down to her explaining why I would not hear from her over the next 3-4 days because of her busy schedule, and i ended it with the statement, "Call when you want too".
Fast forward to Sept of 2010, She reached out to me via email asking if she could call. I responded that I would be available to talk the next day. She called mid day and for the next 5 months we reconnected on so many levels it was like a gift from God. This woman that was mostly devoid of any emotion was so over flowing with emotion happy and sad. We spoke of how things had ended and I found out that she continued to "intend to call" but as she let more time go the harder the first call was to make. I came out to visit her 3 or 4 weeks into our renewed relationship and found the articles of clothing that were left with her back in 07 were still hanging in the master closet. She hadnt moved on, just shut down. We got married at the end of April and continued to have an open and communicative relationship until she went back to work. At first she tried calling 3 times a day. on her way to work, after work and then before bed. Prior to her working we could talk about anything. She is much more logic driven, while i am emotional driven. I speak in broader brush strokes and most anything I say I am open to it being a conversation not set in stone. Where as she tends to be much more literal. In our beginning there were times i confused her and normally she would ask for clarification and we would move on in a mostly jovial manner. Now however, the confusion seems to be ever increasing and she finds me less and less easy to understand.
She is extremely task oriented and is the perfect person to plan an event or a task. But we are finding it encreasingly difficult to hold day to day conversations. I ask her about her day at work, how she is, hows the weather, what does she have planned for the evening or weekend and she responds on a regular basis, long, fine why wouldnt i be,or if i wasnt ok wouldnt i tell you. I try so hard to get her engaged in the conversation and when she does I sit back and beam listening to her open up and actually sounding alive. But as time has gone on getting her to open up is getting more and more difficult. She does not seem to place the value on simple time sharing conversation and is shutting down on so many levels. I have begun to worry that she may be suffering from some form of depression. She used to tell me she didnt sleep well, or had a hard time falling asleep. But when she got tired of me expressing concern over her lack of sleep she has switched to saying she sleeps/slept fine, its just been a long day. The relationship she has with me feels more and more like she has a chore she must do instead of an experience she is enjoying living.
How do I express my concerns with her without forcing her to further shut down. It bothers her that I am"so unhappy that " looking at websites and books to improve things with us. She feels that her level of tiredness is normal, and she passes her physicals without issue so in her mind i am making a mountain out of a molehill. She thinks she is old and it is normal for her to be so tired after such a mentally trying day at work. She is 42, gets up at 7, at work by 8:30, off of work around 6:30 pm then off to bed by 10:30. At first I would get texts, or calls all through out the day. With a healthy sprinkling of I love yous. Now my texts are mostly ignored or answered in the next call. When i call or text if she is watching tv, that is an appropriate level of busy to not answer right way. I am heading in this weekend and I need to have a talk to her. I must express how she is making me feel. Between taking a back seat to the tv, or when she doesnt like/understand my choice of words, she quickly asks or tells me what i should have said. I love this woman but she does not see the change. she has gone so far as to say I am almost too needy. Dont I understand she is not the emotional type etc. Any advice?
I know without any doubt there is no one else. She is just emotionally shutting down. Very similiarly to how it happened before. She thinks she and her routine are quite normal. And has made it clear that her friends have much the same routine. Though her friends average 14 years older than her and are either divorced or widowed.
AnswerHi Terry,
Thanks for writing. I can see you are having difficulties in your marriage, and you have my deepest empathy.
The first thing that entered my mind while reading your letter was; "This woman doesn't sound emotionally healthy or mature enough for a solid marriage or relationship."If she, she would be doing the following:
1. Being responsive to you and your concerns.
2. Working daily to show she values and cherishes you and the relationship.
3. Stay present to (and in) conversations with you as opposed to shutting down.
Instead, she is doing things that are known relationship killers, which in her case means doing the opposite of the three things I just listed above.
Now, when it comes to you, I want you to know that it is not healthy for you to be trying to fix her or your relationship. This woman can't "make you" feel any which way ... we all choose are own responses to situations, after all, what bothers you might not bother the next guy. BUT, to love someone means doing things for the person that makes them feel loved. It sounds like you attempt to that for her and she is not responsive to it, and when you encourage her to be responsive to you, she either can't or won't. That tells me she doesn't know how to love. She pooh-poohs your concerns .... I want you to know that healthy partners are responsive when their spouses tell them what they need. Unhealthy partners minimize, diminish, and shut down. Get it? Healthy partners stay present and respond!! They want you to be happy and to feel loved.
For whatever reason your wife cannot do these things. You can't make her come out to play with you in this relationship, and there is no way to figure out how you might talk to her without her withdrawing ... the problem is hers and only she can seek to overcome these dysfunctional behaviors. If you guys would go to marriage counseling the therapist would point out to her that the way she is responding right now is a recipe for divorce. She can either choose to recognize her unhealthy behaviors and change them, or not. As for you, you have a right to express your needs, but you can't make or cajole her into responding the way you need her to. As I said, if she knew how to be healthy in a relationship, she would immediately respond to your frustrations.
It is possible that you are a couple who are displaying one of the most common dysfunctional relationship patters -- your wife being an "avoidant" personality, and you an "anxious" personality. In these relationships the anxious person pursues the avoidant to relate, and the avoidant withdraws. You might read the book, "Attached," (http://www.attachedthebook.com/)to better understand it. The book will also help you become aware of the patterns so that each of you can adjust yourselves from avoidant or anxious to the healthy pattern of a secure man relating with a secure woman. But again, if your wife doesn't want to cooperate to make your relationship a healthy and thriving one, then you have an important decision to make.
I hope this helps.
Doctor Becky
