QuestionAbout 2 months ago found out that my wife has been taking money out of our acct., behind my back to pay an old debt to her ex-husband. I was aware that the money was being removed however, she lied to me about what it was being used for. Or most of the time she would just tell me she couldn't remember why she had pulled it out. I asked that she give me her card and she agreed. The 2 days later I found out she took my card to go and pull the money out. When I finally caught her in her lie of course I was extreamly mad at her. She has not been working and the bills have been piling up. Well talked things out like normal adults should do... but financially we were in a big hole. Now about 2 months later, I see a transaction from our acct. that dosen't belong there and has caused our acct. to become extreamly overdrawn. At first, when I questioned her about it she said she couldn't remember why she pulled the money out. She then proceeded to tell me that she had lent the money to a friend of hers. I keep trying to figure out why she would lend the money to someone when she knows that we have no money. There are bills that are unpaid, things that she needs medically that we have put off... I just don't understand why she would do this. My first reaction was to go off on her... and I did. But this time... instead of apologizing to me... she got mad at me... as if I had no right to be mad at her. When I told her that I had planned to take her name off our acct. she hung up on me.... I am so mad at her right now I am very seriously contemplating leaving.... I can't trust her... I can't trust her to be honest, I can't trust her make wise decisions.... I really don't know what to do... if she starts being bitchy towards me when I get home, it's only going to piss me off even more... then what?
AnswerDear Mac,
You are certainly not alone! SO many couples, whether they have been married 2 months or 43 years(just got an email from a woman whose running into a similar problem), money is a challenge.
People have different views on how money is spent and saved and unless you talk about it "like normal adults should do" then you get into arguments that feel like you are in grade school.
There are reasons why people do things that they knowingly are wrong...it's mostly because they are embarassed for making a prior mistake and are trying to make up for it and then they address the new mistake of not being honest. The cycle keeps going until some one stops them and says you don't have to continue along this path, you want to make it work, you want it to change- you've tried everything you can think of to change it for the better (not going further into debt) but you keep sliding. Maybe you need help. Many couples seek advice from counselors (aamft.org)if they are their wits end.
Going off will not make the situation any better- simply make both of feel more hurt. Both of you have reasons for feeling the way you do and no one is perfect (especially about money). Perhaps placing the real numbers down on paper- all of them debts and income....ask each other to come up with some possible solutions. Threatening to leave can burrow someone deeper into a hole, encouraging them to work on it with you as couple who wants to obtain goals and grow together may be a more productive approach.
It hurts when someone lies and they should know that, now it has to be addressed (see a counselor, work on the problem as team, a problem to be solved not perpetuated).
It's alot easier to hear criticism if it comes from a safe (nonthreatening) and compassionate place.
I hope this was helpful. For more tips on how to handle money and marriage visit equalityinmarriage.org.
