QuestionQUESTION: Hi there, My wife and I have been married for just a year. She has been asking me to leave now for three months and then keeps changing her mind. This time though she has said that she has made a decision and wants me to leave. We both still live together and get along well. She cares about me and is worried about how i will cope alone. She told me that she doesn't want my children, that she doesn't love me and cannot see a future. she says that she can't get over the fact that she found a mens magazine a few days after we got back from our honeymoon and that it destroyed our relationship and her trust for me. she feels that I haven't made any effort to change my job even though I have been training to be an engineer and will graduate next year. She just seems dissatisfied and confused and nothing I can do seems to help. I am now in the process of looking for somewhere to live. She knows how I feel about her and that I've had to do all the work to keep things moving but she says that she doesn't want to try and that we can remain friends. Last night I discovered a message on her cell phone from guy saying that he really fancied her. I confronted her about this and she said that it was a colleague and that she had gone for a drink with him that afternoon. She told me that there was nothing going on and they were just friends. I could go on and on here but this a brief overview. I'm just wondering if there is a chance of saving my marriage?
ANSWER: Hi Andy~
Chances of actually saving this marriage right now are pretty slim to none. She's basically told you that she wants out of the marriage and doesn't want to be with you.
Then you find that she's received this message on her phone from another man. This is the reason she wants the separation. She's interested in this other man, and probably wants to pursue something with him. If they haven't already done something to begin with. She's not being honest with you and telling you the full story here on why she's behaving this way. Actions do speak louder than words.
So you really don't have much of a choice here. The only other thing that I could suggest to you would be to bring up marriage counseling to her. And see how she responds to it, if she'll agree to it, then there might be some hope in saving the marriage. But at this point it's not looking so good. She has to be willing to make it work, or it won't, the marriage will only get worse as time goes on.
You have some decisions that you need to start thinking about and making. Only time will tell what's really going to ultimately happen with the marriage.
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi there. Thanks for the advice. Since i wrote to you, I changed my approach and told her that I accept what she wants and just want her to be happy. She has not mentioned that she does not love me anymore and has treated me better. She has this idea that we can both live seperatly and still be married, ie, go on holidays together and be thee for each other. I spoke to her sister last night and she thinks that my wife is making a big mistake and that she will regret it for the rest of her life. She said that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her. She then told all this to my wife and told her to think about her actions. This is all very well but, I feel I am playing a waiting game. One issue that has been a problem is that since we have been married, she has started going out with her colleagues and had plenty of male interest. She say's that they are just dumb guys who want some fun and she doesn't take them seriously. Thing is, I have never met any of them. They know she is married but I think they all lust after her. what do I do now?
AnswerHi Andy~
If you truly love her and really want to make the marriage work. Then you could want it out just a little longer. And to wait and see what she's actually wanting to do with the marriage. Her actions will speak louder than her words.
Her being nicer to you since then, is a good start. No matter how small and insignificant it may seem. I would still encourage you to go to marriage counseling, if you want to salvage the marriage, and if your wife will agree to it. It might be worth a shot. Only time will tell what's going to happen. Don't wait around forever for her to change though, there will come a time when you just can't do it anymore. And when that time approaches you'll just know it in your heart of hearts. So my best advice to you is to listen to your gut instinct and to go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy in the end.
