QuestionQUESTION: Hi,
I recently found out that my wife was having an affair with a co-worker. This had been going on for just over 3 months. I was becoming suspicious of her and eventually the evidence became overwhelming. She finally admitted to the affair about 10 days ago and as soon as she did, she wanted to seperate. In seperation, she has become easily angry with me and instantly frustrated whenever we speak. I have been with her since I was in my late teens and this revelation was very hard to comprehend. Since she revealed to me the truth about her infidelity, she has completely distanced herself from me and I'm finding it very hard to take. At first I just wanted her back, and was trying to instill logic into her and tried to offer a picture of our history. As the week went on, my desperation for her turned to anger about what she has done to me and how she could of ever have done such a thing and tarnished our relationship and history together.
I find that I am still having a very hard time dealing with it, but have come to grips with its demise. While I know that her deciding to come back would solve the immediate pain, I do comprehend that it's over and can never exist. But that doesn't mean that I am having an easy time coping and I find that I am very upset and wanting to be in contact with her, which never works out. This was a huge blow to me and the woman I once knew very well is long gone in the blink of an eye and I just to understand it or how someone could do that. But like I said, as time went on, I really cannot forgive her but yet I yearn for her. I have come to the conclusion that all I want is to have some sense that she screwed up and that our marriage and ultimately me, were important to her and that she is grieving for the loss of both of those things. I know that she feels like I was holding her back from the fun she could of been having and is now fufilling that potential she feels she has and wants.
I was hoping that maybe you could offer some insight into the cheating wife and how they usually rationalise things and typical behavior of unfaithful woman.
As well, I was wondeirng if you have any pointers for myself, in term sof coping; how long it takes to get over these types of things and how do I find closure in a situation where I feel betrayed by someone who shows little to no remorse?
I really appreciate your time,
Thanks,
Jeremy
ANSWER: Hi Jeremy~
First let me say that I'm sorry that you have to endure all this, but it can and will get better as time goes on. I've been cheated on and I know exactly how this makes a person feel and what they can experience in this whole process. Adultery is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage. It can make you lose every ounce of trust and even respect for the person that you once had in them. And let me just say that everything that you're currently going through and all of these feelings that you're experiencing now, it's completely normal and to be expected. You need to learn to cope and deal with it and then to move forward from all this.
She betrayed you and hurt you when she did this to you with this other man. It was her being selfish for her own person gain and reasons only known to her as to why she chose to be unfaithful to you with this other man. It's not something you should blame yourself for in any shape, form or way, and sometimes that can be hard not to do. She will one day be held accountable for all that she's done to you. I can say why she cheated or what was going through her head when she did this. I can only presume. I've never cheated or ever been unfaithful to my ex-husband or my current husband. I can tell you what can lead and make a person choose to cheat though. It happens for various reasons, but mostly due to attraction (or lack of attraction to a spouse), for attention and affection. I've found through talking to clients that have both cheated and have been cheated on as to why this happens. Now whether your wife did this for one, some or all of these that's only known to her. I can give you at least some incite as to why this happens in some marriages and/or relationships.
I'm going to break it down for you by your question and go a little more in depth for your questions, so that you can understand from a better perspective on what you can expect to come through this heartbreaking experience that you're going through.
Pointers/advice for you coping and coming to terms with what happened. All you can do it take life one day at a time and get through it. It'll be tough going for awhile, but as I said before you can and will get through it. And I know I sound like a broken record, but I want to get that point through to you. In order for you to eventually have happiness and inner peace you're going to have to learn in time to forgive her for what she'd done to you. Forgiveness is for you not her. And it certainly does NOT excuse her behavior in the least. It's so that you can have inner peace and be able to move forward from the past and get on with your life. You can tell her you forgive her in person or you don't have to tell her at all. The peace is for you, b/c if you harbor bad feelings and ill will for her, you'll never be able to get over all the hurt and pain that her actions have caused you. And if will carry over into any future relationships you will have with another woman, b/c you will not really have closure of any kind. I hope that makes some sort of sense to you.
It will take you some time to get over this. It's not something you can or will get over over night or anytime in the near future. Right now you have to mourn the death of the marriage and the relationship you once had with your wife and that will take some time for you to do. There's no set time frame on this either. It's something that you will just know in your heart of hearts when you're ready to move on and be okay with everything. And know that you did all that you could do as one person, but being one person that's only so much. If you know what I mean. For me in my separation and divorce from my ex-husband it took me a good year to feel normal, and comfortable with dating and meeting new ppl. I had to learn in time that with each passing day it did get better. You will have your good and bad days of course, we all do.
How do you find closure? You may never have full and complete closure, b/c it might always be somewhere in the back of your mind what she put you through. It may even cause you to not fully trust another woman for a while for fear of being hurt and cheated upon again. And again that's normal to experience. This is where talking and working through it, with anyone that you get into a serious and potential relationship with in the future. Most of the time there are signs of when a person is cheating (unless they are really, really good at hiding things from their partner/spouse), you might have even noticed or not noticed them with your wife. For example; such as any changed made to her appearance, her paying closer attention to her wardrobe, the way she did her make up, working out, anything attributed to physical appearance, etc. The list goes on and on but I'll spare you the lecture and details, b/c you really don't need that right now, you're already dealing with enough stuff.
It's unfortunate that your wife is acting this way. And not showing any remorse for her actions. It's the selfishness in her that's showing right now. Sometimes a person only cares about themselves and what's satisfying to them and they either don't care or think about how their actions affect others. It's what's gratifying to them in that particular moment in time. Maybe she has no compassion or conscience when it comes to your feelings, and that's a darn shame when a person behaves in that manner. There's not really much you can do about it though, so you have to try and not dwell on it, and that you did what you could and you did your best in the marriage, given all that you had to work with. It's your wife that is one day going to have to deal with what she's done to this marriage and it was ultimately her actions that caused the failure of this marriage. These are circumstances beyond your control and sometimes you just have to let things such as this nature go and wash your hands of them, b/c if you don't it'll just eat you up when you're trying to dwell on it and figure it all out. You're only responsible for your actions/feelings/thoughts not those of your wife nor anyone else. I hope this helps you some and answers some of your questions. If you have any further questions please feel free to ask and I'd be more than happy to help you if I can to the best of my abilities.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: HI Samantha,
Thanks so much for the detailed response. I really appreciate it and while I know that everyday it gets a little easier, but, like you said I have good moments and bad ones. I find the hardest part of coping, when trying to grasp her state. As we try to separate amicably, dealing with her sometimes just puts me into a horrible mood. She gets frustrated very easily. I try to be reasonable with her, calm, but one something doesn't work in her favour she gets agitated very quickly and it really frustrates me. She is the one what has put herself into this situation and when it gets hard, because something needs to be shared and that sharing inconveniences her, she gets frustrated very easily. I have a hard time dealing with this part of the separation she doesn't seem to get frustrated by what she's done to herself and just transferring it to me.
would you be able to offer any pointers here, as I feel like I don't want to upset her so I don't find out how little she cares for me and our 15 year relationship.
Thanks again for the time.
AnswerHi Jeremy~
That's just it you can't control how she acts, you can only control how you react to her. I know it's definitely not easy dealing with her right now. And it really is normal for you to be feeling this way, meaning the frustrated part that you're talking about. It's all part of this unfortunately and you'll have to learn to cope and deal with it the best that you can. It sounds like you've been doing your best in dealing with her. Remember to keep your calm when you have to interact with her. Don't let her see that she's getting to you and frustrating you. I have a hard time keeping calm and being patient in certain situations too. A family friend suggested that when this happens to go to a happy place that I can tune out the bad situation or upset feeling that I'm dealing with. It does work, for example my happy place is thinking of shopping and the deals or bargains that I would find. It might sound silly or stupid but it really can work if you try it. Also remember that this isn't going to change over night. You have to give yourself time and try to change a little at a time. You can't do it all at once either. Learning to be patient with yourself and your wife is a process.
You aren't going to be able to not upset her, it's going to happen no matter how much you try to be patient with her. Keep your cool and then once you're away from her, then you can go blow off some steam, such as by going to the gym, going for a walk, etc. Use your imagination. Make a list of things you can do if it'll help you. You'll most likely feel bad or guilty for upsetting her, but as I said before these circumstances are beyond your control when it comes to making her frustrated/upset, etc. You have to give yourself permission to mourn the loss of this marriage. When you go through a separation and ultimately a divorce, b/c it's the death of a marriage and relationship. It often takes a huge toll on everyone involved (enough though it may not seem like she's going through a hard time, I'm sure she's suffering somehow). You have to manage and get through it, often by telling yourself that you've done all that you can, and you have to end up getting through each and every day. If you have someone to talk to about this, it will help you to learn to cope and deal with all of this. Having a good support system in place, like family and/or friends to talk to will really help and it can make a world of difference.
