QuestionQUESTION: Hi Bill
I've been married for two years now and we've been together (i.e. living together, etc.) for almost three. Most of the time we haev a very happy time with each other - a lot of laughter, physical affection and caring. But this is occasionally interrupted by these wierd periods of anger and coldness that are leaving me desperate.
Bill I don't want to get into the topics of the most recent one but what I'm really scared and concerned aobut is how to deal with them. Her usual tendency is to descend into what she calls "cold wars", where she withdraws all physical touching and affection, becomes cold and quiet, uninterested in conversation, and generally gives me what I guess is called the "silent treatment." This often goes on for three or four days at a time. I on the other hand have yet to find any mature way of responding and generally decay into a blabbering wreck, having repeated conversations where I swing wildly between pleading, tears and rage with her, and to which she usually responds with a cold stare or slight smile and says "so what exactly do you want me to do? Tell me when to smile and I'll smile", etc., etc. At times at the end of this she also starts crying, but pushes me away and refuses to talk about it. This cycle usually goes on until one day it sort of 'breaks' and she gradually becomes more affectionate again. However for the past few weeks we've gone even deeper into this than normal: the affection has been lasting only a day, then the cold war starts again over something else. And I also have been developing a shorter and shorter fuse so that I start going into my blabbering mode as soon as I see any sign of withdrawal etc. I don't know what to do; I feel like someone is sticking a knife into my chest and draining out everything inside, every time she starts behaving like that.
Countless times I've said to her that the cold wars should stop and we should talk out issues, blah, blah; when we're in a good mood I say it and she laughs a bit; when we're in a fight and I say it, she gives me the cold stare and says "I'm sorry I can't be a puppet like you want me to be. Maybe you should find someone else" etc. She did in fact try for a period of a few months early in this year, and I also tried to be less trigger happy, and we had the happiest three or four months of our relationship. But then it started all over again and it's been downhill, till the last five weeks have been really bad.
Every web site and thing I've looked up on this says one of these three things: "Ask her to go for counseling", "Go for marriage counseling" or "talk to her about it and if she doesn't listen, leave." None of these work as options. I've suggested counseling (in the context of some other issues she's been facing), and she simply doesn't want to. Not to mention that we simply can't afford counseling (we live in India, where most insurance doesn't cover counseling). As for leaving her, the option has never even crossed my mind, and I can't possibly think of THAT as a solution.
What the hell do I do, Bill? Should I not respond so strongly to the cold wars? Should I try to be more "emotionally independent" or some thing? Is it my fault that the cold wars are happening so much? Sorry for such a long message... I just feel like I don't know any more.
ANSWER: Not sure your ages here, but this certainly sounds like menopause or "the change" as it's called. Women go through this usually in their 40s, but I guess it can happen at any age. If she can seek some medical help, I'm sure there is a hormone supplement or some other medical solution, I'm not sure. Also it may be depression, also a medical solution. I think the best way to handle it until she is better, since you know all the aspects, is to simply tell her when she starts "Ok here we go again, see you in a week or so when you get back to normal" and see how that goes. It is definitely her problem to fix and I guess yours to handle. Understanding it as a medical problem rather than a personal attack may help you get through it.
Have her see her physician,
Bill
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks for the reply, Bill. Menopause is unlikely considering that she's 29 and I'm 28. For other reasons I think depression is very likely, as you said, but I don't see how to respond to it. Not easy to tell someone that she may be depressed when most of your conversations consist of pleading - silence :-). Could you possibly tell me what I could do to stay calmer myself? I think that would at least reduce the length of these cycles, maybe if I respond less emotionally she will also calm down faster...
Thanks again
AnswerAs I said, menopause can happen at any age or not at all, every woman is different, only a check with a doctor could tell for sure. She has to know for herself that her behavior is not normal, if not she has to be told by someone other than you. Perhaps using my recommendation for you ("Ok here we go again, see you in a week or so when you get back to normal" ) repeatedly showing her that you know she is heading into one of her "moods" may be the best way for you to handle it, and bring her to the recognition that she neeeds some help.
Bill
