QuestionQUESTION:
Iam doing doctorate studies and living in Adelaide, Australia. I have some problems with my husband. The main problem is it is 13 years since we are married but he does not provide for the family and never has provided. Just says he hasnt found a job. He is presently working as a production worker. He pays only when we go out for dinner (i.e.,) 2 times this year. Otherwise all the bills should be paid from my account only. He does not allow me to handle my account or my bank card. The rent, electricity bill, petrol, registration of car, grocery and everyday needs are met only through the little money I get as scholarship living allowance. He saves his money. Doesnt let me see anythingwith respect to his acccount. I feel so hurt. I have a large amount as loan for education. I really dont know how I'll pay my debts. I really dont know whom to talk my problems to. I literally feel so alone. When I ask him why he does that, he says, Money is not everything. I cant spend my money for the family. Iam really losing patience. I was waiting all along he will change but dont see any change in him at all. I feel so depressed. Now that I have a son 9 years old and I am pregnant again with the baby due in March next year, I really dont know how to react. I spend my life in tears all the time. He is so happy to send money to his parents and sisters and their children, but keeps me in dark about everything. i should not talk with any of the folks in myfamily but he spends more than 2 hours on phone to his family members. Is he going to change or not? I really dont know the purpose of my life. Any one I talk to he becomes so suspicious. He said no land line or a mobiile phone for me because my parents will contact me. I can talk to people only when I come to Uni. But my life is miserable. He does provide for his mother and father. But not to me. Please advise me .
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ANSWER: Beulah - The pain you are feeling is so evident in your writing. So congratulations and thanks to you for having the courage to share the issues you are facing.
First - in a marriage, the husband and wife become ONE. There should be nothing that is unknown or unavailable to the other. Both of you should have full and complete access to everything in the marriage.
Here is what I suggest you do - sit down with your husband, and in a very calm and measured way, share with him how you feel when these issues occur. Something like, "When you won't let me see your account yet you see mine, it makes me feel .....". Gauge his response carefully because he may see this as a threat to his controlling nature. What you must do is to get him to see that he is going to lose everything he controls if he doesn't let up. But it must be done in a calm manner or his defenses will immediately take over.
You must calmly but firmly tell him that you have decided to get a mobile phone that you will pay for. You are not asking permission - you are an adult. Stay firm.
The bottom line here Beulah is four very simple words - SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. He needs to get that message. You are unhappy, lonely, and frustrated. Given what you are facing, these emotions are very normal.
But he must understand that you are not prepared to continue life with him under the current circumstances - SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE.
Now, be patient and don't go for gigantic leaps. Settle for baby steps right now. Be happy that you get your message across and you get a mobile phone. Both will be important steps toward normalizing this relationship.
However, when you say you "spend my life in tears", that concerns me. As soon as you are able, please go see your physician and tell him what is going on in your life. He may feel you are dealing with a chemical imbalance which is easily treated.
Lastly, keep your chin up Beulah. You sound like a strong, powerful, intelligent woman. Not many people have the ability to pursue a doctorate as you are. Not many people can raise a son like you have. Thank you for your hard work and devotion.
Show this same strength in dealing with your husband.
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QUESTION: I tried talking to him in a very calm way but something is hindering him from spending his money for me and my son. He doent want to go for counselling. He doesnt want to talk to me of what is going on inside him to do that. Its the debts that is worrying me so much now. I get calls from the bank but I am helpless to start paying my debts.
AnswerBeulah- SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. You need to realize that and your husband must realize that. Tell him that you are going to get a mobile phone so that you can talk to your family. Or ask him to use his - either way, you must calmly assert that you are a person, not an object or a property.
You need to show your husband that you have the strength to function in life - with or without him.
