QuestionI have been married for 6 years. My husband and I are close and intimate, but our sexual activity has dropped dramatically in the past couple of years. A few months ago, my husband confessed that he had been racking up a lot of credit card debt with online interactive porn. This upset me a great deal in two ways: the *interactive* aspects of the porn and the financial aspects (I have zero tolerance for credit card debt, and lying too!). So I felt very betrayed and lost a great deal of trust in him. We both had lost sexual attraction for one another (and were open about it) but I had no idea what he was doing behind my back. He is currently working on his issues with a therapist.
My overall feeling is that he did not respect the boundries of marriage by engaging in chat with paid professionals and by going to strip clubs (infrequently, but something I accepted in order to be a good sport). As a female, what do *I* get to do for a sexual thrill that isn't going to be considered cheating?? I am not interested in people PAID to pretend they are attracted to me - I would want to BE with a real person who IS attracted to me! That is really the only equivalent.
So what to do? Do I tell my husband that he can never look at porn or go to a strip club unless I can sleep with other people? But I find the current situation very unfair. Something needs to change.
Hence, after much soul searching, I told my husband my thoughts and brought up the idea of an open marriage. He is not necessarily opposed to it, but not necessarily gung ho either. His therapist says "he's never seen an open marriage work" (I think he's not seen enough examples of that arrangement).
I did not bring up open marriage as pay-back; I brought it up because I've known that I have always felt that way. Since I know that I am in a minority and wanted to be in a committed relationship, I was willing to play by the "rules" of marriage and have done so for 6 years. But now that he has broken them, I felt it was time to be frank about my feelings.
I have discussed my theories (without getting personal) with others and it seems that no one really agrees with me about unfairness of the male/female boundries. And forget talking about an open relationship - it's like saying you condone the killing of innocent kittens. ; )
Am I way out of line here? And what about an open marriage - leave the morality stuff behind and consider that maybe we aren't meant to be with only one person all the time?
AnswerHi Steph~
I want to be honest and frank with you up front. I don't condone nor do I agree with the concept of an open marriage or even an open relationship. But that's a personal choice for everyone. Just one that I tend to not agree with for any reason.
I'm not going to say you're necessarily out of line b/c I don't personally know you. Nor is it my place to pass judgement on you for what you feel/think. Though I can give you my honest and personal opinion on the subject. I don't think open marriages work for several reasons. #1 Why be married and in a committed relationship when that's what marriage traditionally stands for? Your marriage either works for you or it doesn't. If it doesn't then you need to take matters into your own hands and make decisions that you can live and deal with. #2 An open marriage/relationship can lead to bigger problems down the road such as jealousy, fighting, arguing, etc. #3 Is it really worth it in the end to have an open marriage? In most ppl's eyes probably not, but in a few yes, it might be worth the risk you take when deciding to have an open marriage with your partner. Again that's a personal decision you must be prepared to make.
I think male and female boundaries should be the same. Meaning don't do something that you wouldn't want your spouse or partner to do to you in return. Whatever that may be. And it could be that he just wasn't meant to be marriage material, as hard as that may be for you to hear and take in.
You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is making you feel. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. If he can't be faithful to you then why be in this marriage to begin with. Why not go your separate ways and do whatever you need to do to be happy in life. My point is to go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy. Something has to be done b/c it's not going to get any better if you have an open relationship, it'll only add fuel to the fire and give you more problems to deal with in this relationship.
