Navigating Relationship Expectations: When Marriage Plans Stall

Question
Hi
I am writting because i have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. we both were in long term marriages before. When we met we both said that we were looking for a long term relationship with marriage in mind. After two 1/2 years of dating we moved in with each other and we have been living togather for a little over a year at this point. My problem is that when i mention marriage he does not want to talk about it, he is a good man and treats me with much love and attention but will say to me "are you happy" when i say yes he says to just let it be. Do you think that after 3 1/2 years of dating and 1 of them living together that he should know if im the one? Also do you think i should tell him that if he cant commint to me that maybe i should move out. I love him and want to spend my life with him but if he doesnt want the same thing as i do then maybe i should get out or do you think that i should give him more time?

Answer
Hi Michele~

He's had plenty of time to decide whether he wants to marry you or not.  If he loves you then why not commit and marry you.  I'd venture to say that he's hesitant and afraid of another marriage ending in divorce (face it in a divorce you do have a lot to lose and it cost money to divorce, etc).  Maybe he's not ready to take that chance.  However, I'm not condoning or excusing his behavior at all.  If he loves you and can live with you, then why not go ahead and marry you?!  Instead he refuses and just makes up excuses not to marry you.  That should tell you how much he's confident in the relationship and how much you truly mean to him.  His actions speak volumes on their own.

Since marriage means a lot to you and you love him, then of course, the next logical step is to get married.  If he's not done it now, then he's probably not going to ever do it, after all it's been over 4 yrs since you've been together.  Tell him what you want, need and expect if he's going to continue to remain in a relationship with you and that is marriage or you're going to cut your losses and move on with your life w/o him in it.  You have to do something since this is a big deal to you and means a lot to you.  

He would know by now most certainly if you're "the one" that he should be with.  So I guess my point is to go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy.  He needs to stop worrying about the future with you and trust that you're here to stay (with the intention of marriage, of course).  You need to make a decision on what you want, need and expect out of him and this relationship.  He shouldn't just dismiss your thoughts and feelings on marriage (that's rather selfish in my honest opinion).  Whatever decision you make isn't going to be an easy one that's for sure.