QuestionI'm 26, my husband's 28, I'm originally from Ontario, he's from Michigan.
I met him when I was working in Detroit, Michigan centre over 4 years ago, we got into a relationship and it was mostly good. Like all relationships it had its ups and downs - no relationship is entirely perfect, as you probably know.
We've been married for 2 years now, and things were good up until about 3 weeks ago when my husband suddenly said "You don't understand me, I don't understand you, I want out."
He wants a divorce soon, but I don't. I know marriage has to be worked at, and I love him, but it seems like now he can't handle it when the going gets tough.
I asked him why, and he was initally reticent to say why until he claimed we had too much of a culture clash - me being Canadian, him being American.
He's also stopped having sex with me, instead preferring to booze and sits around watching TV (sometimes with porn both gay and straight varieties) in his underwear - and this makes me feel unloved.
Yet he's a decent guy nearly all of the time - kind, loving and well-respected. He also is charitable and gentlemanly.
However, I hear rumours that he's been having an affair with a married man - which he denies and claims are just that, rumours - but how can I be sure it's not idle gossip?
I live in Michigan still by the way but often cross the border to visit my family - where I come from in Windsor, Ontario is literally across the river/bridge (if you're driving there).
I don't know how my husband can claim there's a culture clash; yes our cultures are similar, but they have some differences too. Canadian and American culture does differ though in some respects.
I think my husband wants to get out, but he won't elaborate any further on why, and really, is his reason a good enough one to divorce?
What should I do? He just won't discuss why and every attempt I make at communication ends in no discussion.
It feels like I'm in a no-win situation.
I just want to work at our relationship and get things on a good level and back to how they were, but it seems like an uphill struggle.
My apologies if this is lengthy, but I needed to get this all down in writing to let out my worries/stress.
I have tried to seek counselling, but the counsellors I went to see were abusive to me and said "F*** him more! He'll love you then!"
I really dont know what to do.
AnswerHi Alexandra~
Wow! I can see you have a huge dilemma here on your hands. That's just awful that any counselor would tell you to blank him more and he'll love you and be happier. That's just a very rude, inappropriate and very inconsiderate response that they gave you, not to mention it's unacceptable and unprofessional that they said that to you to begin with! How crude! Don't let those bad experiences deter you from getting the proper and professional help you need to get you through this tough time. Counseling can be a very good outlet to work through your problems and issues, when done correctly with a great and professional counselor. So don't give up on counseling just yet. Get a referral through family and/or friends if possible, do some research on counselors to find the one that's right for you, so that you can cope and deal with all this.
You say you've heard rumors that he's been having an affair with a married man, and given his behavior with him sitting around in his underwear watching gay and straight porn, maybe there is some truth to those rumors (even if it's hard for you to fathom that he would/could do such a thing), I've certainly heard worse in all the time I've been helping others such as you. So that wouldn't surprise me a bit if this was true for him. As his wife you do have a right to know what's going on with him and exactly why he's acting this way. And believe you me, there is a reason why he's acting this way. He's just not telling you and being honest with why he's behaving in this way. If your gut instincts think that it's true about the rumors going around then it very well could be truth that he is having an affair with another man. But how you're going to get him to admit it that's another challenge you face. You could try and trick him into telling you the truth, such as saying you talked to this man yourself and he admitted everything to you and his confession is what makes you say/believe this. Now, whether he'll actually fall for it remains to be seen (and even if you want to attempt this), if the truth comes out from him, then you'll have at least the truth and can know why he's acting this way. That's up to you though if you want to go that route.
The bottom line is that you can't keep living this way and to keep enduring this whole mess he's put you in. You deserve to hear the truth from him once and for all, then you can make your final decision as to whether you want or can be with him anymore. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
