QuestionI have been married to my husband for 19 years and together for 22. Since the very beginning, it was a hard relationship. He is a good man, good provider, and does what he can to make my life easier. The problem is that I am not physically attracted to him, we do not talk to one another (unless we are in therapy), and we do not find one another interesting. He does not want to talk about 'issues' beccause he is happy doing the 9-5, eating, watching TV or working on projects around the house. He likes to tease me, which I do not like, and has not stopped regardless of the many times I've told him I don't care for that kind of "humor" We have different interests and beliefs and there is no friendship that binds us. We adopted a child 12 years ago because he wanted kids and I thought it would give me someone to talk to and add life to an otherwise boring union. I know that was the wrong thing to do and our child has suffered from it. It has also made the relationship even more difficult as bigger issues come to the table. We have done every kind of therapy imaginable and recently I had to ask myself if suddenly he changed and wasn't so critical and contolling, would I be able to be happy. I don't think so. I don't find him attractive on any level. I married for the wrong reasons and now I am too afraid to leave. Also I recently asked myself if that was fair to him. I mean, he deserves to be happy, to have someone who loves him and thinks he's the cat'smeow, but that person isn't me. Our relationship is, at best, that of roomates with obligatory intimacy. I am afraid to leave and it feels like a life sentence if I stay. I guess my question is is there a way to find out if I am just an unhappy person or if I really just married the wrong person for me? I no longer have any joy in my heart and my tears have all but dried up. I have made some huge mistakes in my life and I don't want to make more. I feel like I have lost faith in myself and in God. At times I wake up sad because I woke up and have to go through another day. Another day of the same. I don't know where to find the courage to leave nor the strength to stay. Can you help me at all?
AnswerHi Sudha~
What do you want in life? Your hopes, thoughts, feelings and dreams DO matter. And don't you think they've fallen by the wayside for long enough? Marriage is a constant work in progress and no marriage is w/o it's problems and it's ups and downs in life. However, when you feel that you've married for the wrong reasons, have been miserable almost the entire marriage and you are feeling hopeless and depressed about how bleak the future looks, then that's a huge problem. Your thoughts and feelings do matter. It's not selfish at all for you to think of yourself and your happiness for once in your life, and that of your child. It's never too late to make a change for the better. You don't really seem to have much in common with your husband, nor do you have anything that really attracts you to him, in order for you to make a go of it. It is what it is, it's not going to work if you're hearts not in it and you can't envision yourself with him for the rest of your life and to ultimately be in a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship with him. For now your just merely existing in this union. That's not what a marriage is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be about two ppl being in love and wanting to spend their lives together, b/c they want to, not b/c they feel they have to b/c of obligations to each other, feel they have to just settle, or whatever reason you'd like to use here.
You've become so accustomed to this and being in a stale marriage that you can't imagine yourself any other way. It's bringing you down and it's taking such a huge toll on you. It's depleted your self-worth, your self-esteem and self-image have plummeted and it sounds like a very depressing existence (that's not what living life is all about). I think most anyone in your current position would feel the same way as you. Confused on what to do and what not to do b/c it's become a way of life for you. It's like the life has been sucked out of you and you are a hollow shell of what you once were in life. Is that any way for anyone to live? Of course not.
You and only you have the power to change this. You have to decide for yourself what you want, need, desire, deserve and expect in this marriage, and if he can't give that to you, then perhaps you need to move on with your life w/o him in it. If that ultimately means you have to separate and go through a divorce to find your happiness and to finally be happy in life, then do it. No one should remain in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage and exist, that's called misery and that's not a life for anyone to live. You have to make some tough choice here sooner or later, or keep living life the way it is and you'll keep being miserable and it'll only get that much worse as time goes on. I'd much rather be happy and single for the rest of my life than to be miserable and married and feel that I have to settle for a miserable existence in life. That's just too sad and depressing for anyone to do. We all deserve happiness, but at what expense? Someone, somewhere along the way is going to get hurt, that's unavoidable.
No one can lead your life but you. You have to take some initiative and do something about it once and for all. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
