QuestionThis is a second marriage for both of us. We have been married almost 5 years. I didn't learn until after we married that he does not have any retirement funds and considerable debt. He has been unemployed half of the time we have been married. I have paid off over $20,000 and I keep finding more. He keeps saying he is sure this is all. We just got a statement from IRS for another $15,000 and he won't call to set up a payment plan. A couple months ago they took $3,000 out of our checking account, leaving $20 so we bounced checks until I figured out what happened. I have worked my way up in a business and have been there for over 10 years. He is always stating how lucky I am that I like my job etc. and how he has to work these dead end jobs. I worked my way up and paid my dues, when it gets tough for him he bails. Of course it isn't his fault. If I have a problem at work and try to vent to with him he of course knows all the answers and tells me how I have handled it wrong. I bought a house that we were going to fix up together but he won't spend any money on it. When we dated we went out and had fun but now he won't go anywhere, unless someone gives him free tickets. I have gotten gift cards to restaurants but when we go he just complains that there is no value in the choices on the menu, by the time we leave I wish we had not gone out to eat. I am so tired of doing nothing but sitting at home and watching TV (no cable) and watching this house fall apart. In the summer I work outside in the yard and have a big garden. I also walk everyday to stay in shape, he trades things on the Internet and keeps his money for his hobbies. I am to the point I have a hard time staying motivated at work because all I do is go to work and go home. Please help, do I stay, can I change things? We are both over 50 and have no children in our household.
AnswerHi Sally~
At this point, no, you can't be happy in this marriage. He's lied to you about things from the beginning and played dumb about knowing about his outstanding debts, etc probably hoping that if he didn't say anything you'd never find out about it. He's lazy and doesn't want to get out and get a job, or help contribute anything to the household by doing chores, paying/helping with bills, etc. He's making excuse after excuse to get out of doing anything, besides sitting around on his butt and mooching off of you, after all you're the one that has a pretty successful job/career. This frankly is getting ridiculous and has become constant nonsense by you carrying him around on your coattails. You're supporting and paying for everything you might as well be single and be happy, than to be in an unhappy, unhealthy and unfulfilling marriage. Why do you waste your time doing this? Of course, only you can answer this. Maybe he's got some form of depression but still it's not an excuse for him to get himself out of the responsibilities he has to you and the homestead.
You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you (and I mean exactly, whether he wants to hear this or not). And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. There is only so much you, as one person can do for this marriage. He has to step up to the plate and stop behaving in this ridiculous and immature manner. Go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy. You have to draw the line somewhere and put an end to this once and for all. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
