QuestionMy question may sound a bit absurd, but to me, it's a huge issue. My husband is addicted to sports. When he comes home at the end of the day, he literally dives for the remote, and is glued to the television for at least three hours (regardless of what sport is on). The problem is that I don't really care for sports (I honestly used to enjoy an occasional game, but have grown to hate all sports due to "over saturation!") and as a consequence, I go to the other room and either work on the computer, read, or watch the other TV. I am dying to just visit with my husband, and talk about how his day was, or about life, etc. But every time I try to carry a conversation during a game, I'm ignored. I've confronted him about this issue, and have told him that I feel lonely and that I just want to visit with him. I've begged him to compromise, but he says, "this is who I am, and you knew this before you married me." We've been married only a year, and have a child on the way. What can I possibly do to get some attention from my husband?
AnswerDear Kristen,
This is a really difficult situation. You must be feeling very hurt. And I understand you want to have a good relationship with your husband, to have a true friend and companion in life. Your husband sounds like he might be a little stubborn. Does that make it feel like communication is difficult? Is it a conversation stopper when he basically says that he won't consider change? Communication problems are generally at the heart of the problem you are having. Trying to carry on a conversation during the game will definitely backfire. Even if he appears to be participating he is not because he's thinking about what he's missing on television. If you can't get his attention any other time, when he is relaxed and able to listen, then you may want to try communicating with him in another way. Writing a note that he can read when he's able is a good idea. When you write make sure that you communicate an understanding of his feelings (this will keep him off the defensive). So keep in mind that when he comes home he is probably tired and wants to relax. He may feel like it is too much work to try to "talk". A lot of men feel cornered in this situation, since it is not their strongest quality to engage in intimate conversation. He may prefer or absolutely object to any suggestions you make. Do you think he feels like he doesn't know what to do when you tell him you feel lonely? If this is the case, he may want suggestions. If you think he wants to be in control of his life and doesn't want to take orders from anyone, then it is better for you to ask him for some ideas for a solution to the problem in the relationship (the problem being that you are disconnecting). Another possibility is to suggest a compromise. Perhaps you can sit and watch the games with him (even if you don't like sports, you get to be with your husband), and he could do something you like to do (within reason, it can't be something he hates). And let him know without a doubt that you are not trying to change him, you love him. Let him know that you just want to make sure the relationship is good for both of you. Best of luck.
Respectfully,
Dr. Jill Morris
www.intimacymatters.com
