QuestionMy boyfriend and I are both 21. He's finishing college but wants to go to university whereas, I'm finishing university. We really haven't been using any kind of protection this month, so we had the talk about if I'm pregnant - what would he want to do. He said abortion, and I said nothing. What he specifically said was "it's for sure that you will get rid of it" ... not exactly what I wanted to hear. I would have preferred something that involves both of our opinions. I know we both don't have good jobs, and we're both in school. I know things wouldn't be easy, I have seen my friends who have have children. I also know that it's very possible for us to raise a child. That being said, I just found that I am pregnant. I haven't told my boyfriend, and I know the right thing to do is to tell him. It's just that he's only hear on a student visa, there's no sex before marriage where he comes from, we've only been together for a few months and I'm against abortion. I've seen what it has done to friends I know, and everyone regrets it. I can see him telling me that it's him or the baby. I have a problem with jumping to conclusions but he's already said how he feels and that conversation was just a 'what if' scenerio. This is a baby is coming soon, and I'm scared. I realize that I'm going to have to make some really hard decisions, I just have no one to talk to.
thx, Alex
AnswerHello, Alex,
OK, first of all, your boyfriend was willing to take a risk, to use you for his pleasure, and now he is telling you that IF you are pregnant, you are supposed to violate your conscience and harm the baby the two of you created together. What kind of a bargain is that?
I don't know what your boyfriend will do if you don't have an abortion, but I can tell you that it is a virtual certainty you WON'T stay with him if you do. Most of the relationships (not including marriage), where the woman has an abortion, DO break up. If you have an abortion, you will resent him. And then you won't have him and you won't have your baby. Offhand, I don't see why your baby should pay the price for his attitude. If he makes you choose, choose your baby.
Never mind what they say in his country. He's not in his country. He's in yours.
So if you tell him you are pregnant and he says it's either him or your baby, show him the door! If he stops and thinks about it, he may change his mind. Then you can decide if you want him back or not. Since you are nearly finished, you shouldn't have any problem finishing. I went to school while I was pregnant, had the baby in the middle of the semester, stayed out for a week (my choice), and aced my courses. By the time I finished my degree, I had four children, three of them preschoolers. Not because I dawdled around; we really acquired that many that quickly. (Two of them are adopted.)
Abortion is dangerous. It could kill you or render you seriously disabled. It could destroy your interest in life. It could harm your future children.
It's natural to be scared. And when you tell him, he will be, too. And guys don't come around as quickly as we women do. Often, they won't accept the baby until they experience some evidence for themselves (we experience this same evidence much sooner). This evidence can include hearing a heartbeat, seeing a sonogram, feeling movement, or noticing changes in the mother's body. Many women also experience the desire not to be pregnant during the first trimester. It's hormonal. But by the time the woman is into the second trimester, she usually accepts the baby.
If you choose to stand up to him, you are in the position of strength. I recommend that you wait until there is evidence he can observe. You aren't under any obligation to tell him about a baby he would want destroyed anyway. You could even break up with him and never tell him at all! So wait, and then tell him and drag him down to see a sonogram or whatever. If you wanted to use the fact he told you to get rid of it as an excuse, you could even refuse to have sex with him at this point, even though you are already pregnant.
You deserve a man who will cherish you both, and protect you both. You don't have that at the moment. But you can certainly choose to give him time to come around. If you tell him FIRMLY that you have made your decision, and you're not going to have an abortion, he may harass you for awhile, but he is much more likely to accept it sooner if you do. It really IS your decision, you will bear the consequences, and you have every legal and moral right to refuse to let him bully you in any way. Probably more than half of the abortions are done because the guy wanted it, and he did something to manipulate or force the woman to do what he wanted. 2/3 of the women who get abortions felt coerced. It is also the case that if a woman lets a man get away with bullying her into abortion, he will probably continue to bully her in other ways, and given where he's from (wherever that is), he would probably feel justified. If he tries to use force against you, get away from him, and tell the authorities.
Your friends say they regret their abortions. I regret even considering it. I didn't go through with it, and I might never have known that I was still pregnant (the abortionist told me I had had a miscarriage, which turns out to have been a lie.) But I had horrible nightmares for months afterwards. And I didn't know the guy was an abortionist, because I was in the hospital at the time, and I didn't know him. He tried to frighten and coerce me. You don't want an abortion, so don't have one!
You may find it beneficial to get some counseling. It can help you to figure out how to tell him, how to respond, and so forth. There are organizations in Canada that offer this kind of help. They also offer other kinds of help, so if it will be difficult to stay the course, they'll help. You can find one near you by going here:
http://www.heartbeatinternational.org/worldwide_directory.asp
Choose "Canada" from the country list. There are 286 in Canada, on multiple pages. Click on "details" for contact information.
I don't know what he will ultimately decide to do. But if he continues to insist that you harm yourself and your baby, you really deserve someone better, and if you do leave him, you are much more likely to find someone who will treat you right.
When a woman has sex, her body releases hormones that cause her to bond to the man. Regardless of what happens, it will probably be emotionally rough for awhile, but I'll be here for you. Come and talk to me any time, and keep in touch. I'll pray for you. Please keep your baby safe!
