QuestionHi.. I could really use some advice when it comes to my marriage and this looked like a good place to come! I hardly know where to start. My husband has just really been upsetting me lately. This is not a new thing, but things seemed to have gotten worse since our son was born 4 months ago. First of all Ill tell you a little about us. We've been married since 1998. My husband is in the Coast Guard and Ive been moving around wherever hes been stationed. Right now hes stationed on a ship and hes gone for about 7 months out of the year, but of course that doesnt mean that things are really too good when hes at home. Anyway, there are a few key things that are bothering me.. First of all, he doesnt want to help out whatsoever when it comes to our son zach. His attitude is just that since he is the one who makes the money that he shouldnt have to do anything else. He has even told me that if it werent for him that I wouldnt have a place to live or food to eat, and zach wouldnt be taken care of. I guess he says this in a joking way, but I think it really shows how he is. I think of him as a very controlling type of person. He has told me quite a few times now that I couldnt make it on my own without him. Another thing is that he is not very involved with our son zach. He never changes him, feeds him, rocks him, etc.. Once in awhile he might but thats only if I keep asking him to, so most of the time I just do everything myself. Tonight I made dinner and after he ate I asked him if he would feed zach while I ate but he wouldnt even feed him then, because he said he was just too tired, and he is off work tommorrow, so I thought that was just mean. Besides not being involved he doesnt act like he loves zach, sometimes he will just tell him to be quiet when hes crying, and say babies arent suppose to cry. He is joking around and thinks its all so funny, but seriously, I dont feel like he is very caring and loving towards him a lot of the time. He will even make fun of me for calling zach sweetie and acting caring towards him. Its almost like he is jealous because I dont call him "sweetie" or "honey". I guess I just dont always feel like calling him those names. Basically he can just be very obnoxious. Also, I feel like he is never supportive when it comes to things I want and he doesnt listen to what I have to say. I feel like he doesnt respect me. It seems like he thinks I am nothing without him and couldnt take care of myself or zach if I didnt have him to support me. Anyway, he can be downright disrespectful to me at times. For instance, when we are watching TV and he sees a pretty girl, hell sometimes talk about how hed like to have sex with her.. Hell use different terms for it, more crude, but that is what he means.. On the other hand, if he sees an unattractive girl hell make sure to say how ugly she is. When we go out, hell also make remarks about girls in public. We have had problems in the past with him talking to girls on the internet. There have actually been 2 girls that he has told he was in love with. One of them he still talks to, when I told him years ago that I didnt want him to talk to her anymore. I suppose I put up with it because she is married and has a baby. He will also talk about her and how great she is.. I know he does this to make me jealous, and it actually doesnt work anymore. Sometimes it seems like I almost dont feel anything toward him anymore,except maybe disgust. And I just cant understand how he became like this, because he did once actually act like he loved me. I wish I knew what I could do to make things better but I just dont really know anymore. Sometimes I feel like I might be better off without him, but right now at least my son is well taken care of, and Im not sure how things would be if I were on my own. Well, I just wanted to get some advice on how I could possibly make things better. I really appreciate your help.
Jennifer
AnswerJen,
Well Jen, somehow he has to get the message that his behavior is just not tolerable any more. Whether by you or a councelor, he has to be told that if he doesn't change, you are not interested in pursuing the marriage any further. You have to decide if you want and can be on your own, perhaps a trial seperation is in order. He probably feels he has you in a position you can't get out of, so the suggestion that you "might move home with mom for a while" may be enough of a shocker to straighten him out. There is a mentality that a man's work is to provide for his family, and that's it, but he has to be made aware that is a bit old fashioned. Generally all of the things you listed would sound ridiculous if read back to him by a third party, perhaps that is what he needs. Plus I doubt his character is a desired result of his CG training. So find a third party to help, friend, relative, church person, or councelor, to help you steer back to a better course.
No CG pun intended,
Bill
