QuestionI have been with my partner for almost 2.5 years. We bought a house together a year ago and have been living together since. We have a wonderful relationship and talk about the future often. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and he says he feels the same way. We are very expressive in our love and he shows me in a million little ways everyday how much he loves me. The problem is that he won't committ to getting married. Every two months we seems to get into the same discussion. I have been ready for about 8 months and when I first brought it up he said he needed more time. He wanted to do this right. A couple of months went by and nothing. We talked again and he echoed the same fears he mention the first time we talked. We have now had this conversation 4 times over the last year and little has changed in his responces. He even went to a counselor a few times with no avail. He has had two very significant heart breaks in his life and I'm affraid that he is refusing to commmitt to me because of them. I'm at my end! I love him SO much but feel that my life is stopped with him. I have created a life with him and made significant comprimises so that we could be together. I feel that I'm being cheated from the happines and family we both deserve. I don't know what to do and am starting to think about leaving. I know that he loves me, I know that our relationship can be the best thing that ever happened to us. I just don't know what to do! Can you help?
AnswerDear Liza,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
First of all, I have to say that I have been in a similar situation, so I can certainly relate.
A lot of the problem lies with the differences in the way that men and women view marriage. To most men, marriage is not necessary and represents, if anything, more of a nuisance than a necessity. Women, on the other hand, view marriage as "the icing on the cake" so to speak of any relationship.
My guess is even though you have discussed your feelings with your boyfriend, he still doesn't have a clear understanding of just how important being married to him is to you. Most men just assume that women feel much the same way that they do. I realize that you have initiated conversations with him about this and have received the same responses. But consider for a moment if you have explained to him why this is important to you, and explained it ina way that he can understand.
Another aspect is that he is, indeed, simply not ready to be married. Whether it is his past that causes this, no one can truly say. Two and a half years is NOT a long courtship and maybe it is going to take him a bit longer to make the final commitment to you. Believe it or not, my husband and I lived together for six years before we were married. I would have liked to have gotten married sooner, but circumstances were such that it wasn't to be. So I can understand your frustration. Believe me. In our female minds we are thinking... "If he really loved me, he would want to marry me as much as I want to marry him". Again you must understand that men think completely different than we do. His not wanting to get married at this time is NOT a reflection on you or the way he feels about you.
This is a very difficult thing to get past. You're thinking things like "He doesn't think I'm good enough", or possibly "He doesn't have enough trust in me", etc. You must put these thoughts aside and understand that the reason he doesn't commit is because he doesn't feel that he can give YOU everything you need (emotionally) to be happy.
I would suggest that you be a little more patient and wait for him to get to the point where he is comfortable making the decision. As you are aware, I'm sure, there are many people who are perfectly happy who never get married (Goldie Hawn and Curt Russell come to mind, but there are many more), so marriage is not the "end all be all" of a relationship.
Good luck to you both. I hope everything works out for you.
R. M. French
