QuestionQUESTION: Hi, I really need some advice. I am engaged to a guy that I love very deeply. I am 20 and he is 24. My family loves him and I love my future in-laws. We do a lot of stuff with his parents and I am accepted as already part of the family. We, me and his mother, are planning the wedding together. Me and my fiancee already live together and have for awhile. We keep our horses at his parents, after fencing off some of their acreage, and go stay with them every weekend. What I am trying to say is that we have a lot of stuff together in this relationship.
This is where the BUT comes in. He has used a photo sharing website TWICE since we have been together, the last time back in March of this year. Both times it was hid from me and I discovered that he was commenting on half-naked pictures of girls and sharing half-naked pictures of himself with captions that he was lonely, and sharing his phone number/email. He also went through a phase of hogging his phone and texting alot during these times. Aside from that, though, we had a good relationship and I wouldn't have suspected him doing those things if I hadn't walked in on him using the site. This still haunts me, even though he apologized and quit the site and hasn't used it since. He also texts and hoards his phone less. He makes me feel very loved BUT jealousy still flares at times. His friend list on facebook is 80% girls. He still has pictures of himself before me that have comments from old flames and girlfriends saying, "Oh, thats my sexy baby." etc from the time they were together. Should I ask him to delete this stuff? No-one has commented on them in over a year and they don't get a lot of attention anymore but new friends and family we have could see that stuff if they looked... it makes me feel unspecial. Also I have noticed that he sends messages here and there to random girls saying random things and he 'pokes' girls on facebook, girls i don't know and some girls from his past. He is the only person I have actually had sex with, he wont tell me about his sexual past saying "it doesn't matter". Comments from some of his old friends and him though let me know he has been with a lot of girls... one of them being a woman in her thirties. Every time I find stuff like this out I get sick and angry. He is very conservative now in the relationship, rarely using face-book aside from the above mentioned, texting less and, of course, he is always with me except when I am at work and he is going to classes. Btw, he has a girl in his class from his past and i don't know if they have a "past" or not. I have asked him about some of the people from his past and found out later that he lied. He said one girl was his 'cousin' about a month ago when she left a inappropriate comment on his twitter page, but when I looked at their friendship on face-book that was a total lie... it seems the two were once together. A comment about two years ago between them reveal him saying "I thought I lost you completely when you got married" and her saying, "Oh no babe, you will always have me." She 'tweeted' him when he first joined twitter saying 'mmmhmm hello sexy'. Thats when I asked who she was and he said she was a cousin by marriage and she was irritating. I guess he asked her to take down the tweet in private because it left his page shortly after I confronted him. The next day, though, he followed her. I asked him why he would do that and he just said, "I'm just going to delete Twitter. I love you." and he deleted the twitter. She is a friend on his facebook still. Please... I need advice. Am I crazy jealous, or is my inner instinct just protecting me from a cheater? I love him, hence why I said Yes, but I need to be concrete on these feelings before the wedding.
ANSWER: Your fiance needs to have clear sexual boundaries, and you are right to be concerned. Do not marry him until he is clear about his boundaries: no more contact with other women, unless you are present and approve, either in person or any social network or other means of communication. If he as a sex addiction, be sure he has stopped this behavior before marriage. Marriage vows must include exclusive fidelity to each other for life.
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QUESTION: How can I tell if he has a sexual addiction? I do not think he has one because, while we have a healthy sexual relationship, he doesn't want sex all the time. He has never seemed like a guy who is "always in his pants." When we are out he never looks at other women like alot of men do. How do I bring up a conversation about this? We are always happy and rarely fight, if I brought this up out of no-where I think he would be really confused and get irritated. He has gotten very upset other times I have asked him any question regarding other girls, him flirting, or how many people he has been with sexually. He once gave me a number at the beginning of our relationship, but I asked later in the relationship and he said "I don't know, I don't keep count... thats ridiculous. I don't know why this upsets you so much or why you throw it in my face that I'm your first and I'm not yours".
I have NEVER had issues with him with girls in person, all issues have been online things. Why is this?
AnswerDoes he look at porn? If so, he may be addicted to it, and it arouses his interest in other online relationships. If he cares about how you feel, he will stop the behavior. You want to hear: "I will never contact other women except with your full knowledge and approval. I do not want my behavior to cause you hurt."
