QuestionHello Sir/Madam
I would like have your advice regarding some event in my life described below:
My first-love broke up 9years ago (1996) due to some misunderstanding on her part and she got married to another boy in 2001. Thereafter, I was alone and then I got married in 2002 to my wife thru arranged negotiations. I am happy with my wife leaving apart some day-to-day problems which generally comes while you live together.
Most recently, 2days back I got a call from my first lover to inform me that she has sufferred a lot in last 9 years due to her husband and finally got divorced. She wanted to appologise to me for the mistake she had done which she realised now. I was very happy to hear her since, I really loved her and still have some soft corner for her since foremost thing I believe is the friendship which I had with her. This friendship was basis of our relationship which continued for 7years (1989-1996) & it was my first love. Infact in last 9years I tried to reach her but did not have her phone number. However, she used to give blank call at my home to hear my voice which I came to know from her now when she told me. While talking to me, she said her only intention to call me is to get relief from the guilt she had kept within herself.
Currently, we are talking some times to share thoughts which happened in last years. However, she is telling me that if we continue to talk to each other it will create a distance in between me and my wife. I too understand that but cannot stop talking to her. You can understand that we were very close to each other once upon a time. Today when we talk to each other we were talking just like we used to talk every day. On my request, she said that she may meet me once (for last time) to share our thoughts (make our heart light) and then shall not contact each other forever.
My question to you are as follows:
1/ Can we not continue to be good friends and share our thoughts from time to time as we do with any other friend?
2/ Being matured enough shall we not be able to keep things separate i.e responsibiliy towards my wife and friendly relation with my first lover.
3/ Since, she suffered a lot in last 9years, can i not help her in all respects to come out of the trauma and start a new life? This will only make me feel good that I could do something for her during her bad time.
4/ If you think , we should not meet ever again, can we not keep at least contact information just in case we need each other to share our feelings.
Thanks and Best Regards
BB
Ray_India@hotmail.com
India.
AnswerHi BB~
Answers to your questions:
1/ Can we not continue to be good friends and share our thoughts from time to time as we do with any other friend?
It's okay to keep her as a friend and converse with her from time to time, as long as your intentions are only to keep a platonic friendship, and that you have no intentions of it going further to jeopardize your marriage by staying friends with your former flame.
2/ Being matured enough shall we not be able to keep things separate i.e responsibiliy towards my wife and friendly relation with my first lover.
You might be able to do that, but perhaps she (your former lover) feels that she can't control her feelings when seeing you (say more than once), and that she's afraid that she'll jeopardize your marriage, by staying in contact with you. Sometimes when former lovers stay in contact they are tempted to get back together b/c they still have that love and attraction to one another and they just can't help themselves and the way the feel when around the former lover. And perhaps that's why she suggested that you only meet one last time to say goodbye?
3/ Since, she suffered a lot in last 9years, can i not help her in all respects to come out of the trauma and start a new life? This will only make me feel good that I could do something for her during her bad time.
Again as long as you can control your feelings and emotions when around her. So that you won't be tempted to fall back in love with her, and want to pursue a relationship like you once had. Otherwise you might risk losing your wife. Some ppl are tempted to cheat on their spouse with an old flame that they are totally still in love with (even after years of being apart), and they can't resist b/c they are so overcome by their feelings and emotions. It's just human nature to react that way sometimes. It's a matter of self control also, some ppl have no sense of self control when it comes to things they love or want badly. If you can keep it stictly platonic and not be tempted to fall back in love with her, b/c you are committed totally to your wife, then you have nothing to worry about. But most ppl can't and are tempted by former lovers b/c of their personal emotions that they have, etc. I'm not saying that you would cheat on your wife or anything. But she (your former lover) is probably thinking along those lines, and she doesn't want to tempt herself or you by staying in touch b/c she doesn't want to ruin your marriage.
4/ If you think , we should not meet ever again, can we not keep at least contact information just in case we need each other to share our feelings.
That's totally up to you. If you feel that you can control your emotions and not be tempted to stray from your wife, being fully committed to her, then I don't see why you can't at least stay in touch with her on a regular basis and just be friends with your former lover. Now, this would also depend on your former lovers intentions too. If she is looking strictly only to stay in touch and be friends, then there's absolutely no harm in staying in contact with each other. It's your decision and whatever you feel most confortable doing.
