QuestionQUESTION: I started seeing a man a few months back and he has proven to be everything I have ever wanted emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually, and he feels the exact same way about me. We have an extensive range common interests ranging from world travel, politics, and marketing to an identical passion for success and love of family. And Lord knows the chemistry doesn't stop there. The only imperfection in all of this is the age difference of eight years.
I have never clicked with my age group. Keggers and clubbing leave me feeling socially ackward if not violated. I have had many relationships, one that lasted 3 years and we even lived together. I have made many mistakes and have been hurt many times. I have traveled to many places and met many people. I bought my first house at the age of eighteen and currently go to school full-time and work as the advertising manager for student publications, a graphic designer and marketing executive for an engineering firm and 3 local companies they are invested in, as well as photograph for my own business on the side. For fun, I act at the local theatre, paint, and exercise. Basically, I developed early, and by no means look, think or act like your typical attractive 20 year old college student.
The problem:
He was previously married to a girl 4 years his minor. She continuosly reassured him that although she was young, she wasn't going to change, and he finally after 5 years believed her and they got married. Three years later, she changed, and ripped his heart out. While the have been appart for a year or two, lately she has been sending vendictive messages just trying to hurt him. That in addition to his heavy workload have left him in the possition where even though I am perfect in every other aspect and in no way comparible to his ex, the fact that I am 20 all of a sudden is a deal breaker. We haven't seen or talked much the past few weeks prior to this announcement because he has been so busy, and I feel like between the workload and messages from his ex, he has psyched himself out with comparissons and numbers.
While I understand I am in the demographic age that major changes occur, I believe if only through my material accomplishments and goals I have proven that while I may want to try several different vocations and hobbies in the future, I have layed a pretty clear path as to what my priorities are and will be.
I have debated and presented my case to him and he agrees it is comparing apples to oranges with me and his ex. He says he sees where I am coming from and yet he arrives at a completely different conclusion. I don't want to badger him into sticking it out with me only to have him constantly worry and wait for me to change. That's what happened with his ex. I just want him to see that maturity is a matter of experience and I am no more of a risk that a 25 year old simply based on the numbers (because if I were 25 like he once mistook me for, this wouldn't be an issue).
I feel like I have gone to my dream job for an interview, laid out my credentials and was told I was the perfect candidate for the job, but I couldn't have it because I was female and the previous female who held the possition was emotionally unstable therefore all females are unstable, or because I'm white and the last white person who had the job was not understanding enough towards the minorities, so I wouldn't be understanding towards the minorities. These are illegal practices for a reason!! I am running in circles because there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to change my age.
I really like this guy, and know that given the opportunity we would be great, because we have been thus far when we are actually together.
Please help.
ANSWER: Hi Courtney~
You know this isn't about you or really even your age. It's about his ex-wife being back in the picture. And that he's been hurt previously by his her. And now she's trying to get back into his life (for some reason) and she's talking to him and it's stirring up these raw, pent up emotions all over again.
So while things in the relationship might be all well and good. He still has major issues when it comes to the divorce and the ex. Her being back in his life isn't helping matters either. And you couple that with working a lot, it tends to cause a person to stress out.
I would strongly suggest to you that you make time to sit down and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. If you don't it's only going to get worse. You need to tell him exactly how you feel. And how much of a toll this is taking on you.
He needs to know what you expect from him and this relationship, if it's going to continue. That you need him to be committed to you. Not be continuously involved or in contact with her (and there's no need for him to be in contact with her at all, now if they had children, that's different). He needs to know what you're willing and not willing to put up with. It's best if he knows this right up front, so it won't be an issue down the road.
My best advice to you is to take it one day at a time and to go with your heart and do what's right for you. If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you so much, I agree with everything you said. He doesn't have children and there is no reason for the ex to be in the picture, and the next time I talk to him I will bring that up (that some preventative action is needed there whether or not I'm in the picture).
As for where things stand, he basically after several weeks of this problem on his mind (I could see it was something he was dealing with and figured he would bring it up when he was ready). Well, he brought it up when he'd made a decision, so I am working with someone who's made up their mind before even talking to me. I'm sure how much of that is how he deals with things and how much of it is due to the hectic schedules, but it's what has happened non-the-less.
Initially he wrote me an extensive email telling me his decision and reasoning. I wrote him a thorough response and talked to him on the phone for quite awhile. It basically ended with that, should I be single in 2 years to look him up and maybe it would work out sort of thing. The more I thought about it after I hung up, the more frustrated I got. If he can even fantasize the idea of me being in his life 2 years from now, the date me for 2 years and find out!! I began to think about where he was coming from. And like I said before, on our first few dates, he showed me in very definite ways that he trusted me, was on the same level as me, and was feeling the same things I was. He was fully aware of my age then and he was able to instinctively trust me. Since I have seen that in him, I know he is capable and I haven't given up yet if only because of that. After the first few dates, work got crazy and I saw him less. Then the ex thing came up, and it got to be great lengths of time where we didn't talk at all. So I am convinced that in the time he has spent away from me, he has allowed the numbers and comparisons to his ex build up in his mind, removing me and how I'm different from the equation. So, I told him I want to see him in person. He was against it because that is what happend with his ex and she ended up talking/guilting him into changing his mind. But he always worried about it after he "gave in". I assured him that I don't want a relationship where he would constantly be miserable and questioning me in his mind, I just think talking in person, particularly in this instance, is necessary. He said to give it 1 week and then we'll talk about it. So now I have a week to collect my thoughts and develop an idea of a reasonable outcome.
My main question is whether his ex had a serious relationship prior to him. I think she was...16 when they started dating. I know that my past three year relationship I hung onto through circumstances that I shouldn't have simply because he was my first serious anything. I wanted to make it work, because I wanted to be in love. I told myself and him I didn't need to know what else was out there. But I did. Especially when he did something hurtful to me I would think about what other options may exist. Leaving that relationship, I know exactly what I want from a partner, and exactly what can't be compromised without loosing myself. I have a feeling it may have been similar with her.
This time around, I wasn't looking to be in love, and the last thing I would consider is compromising myself again like in the past. He just happens to be everything I know I need in a person. I love who I am when I'm with him. Should things not work out, I know it won't be the end for me, but I know if he can just give it the change, great things could really happen.
While I am a completely different person from who I was a year ago, that is because a year ago I had lost my sense-of-self in a unhealthy relationship. I am actually more of the person I was before that realationship, back in high-school, back as far as I can remember actually: extremely productive, driven, and involved in everything. I am an incredibly passionate person and I try to find productive outlets for that and I am completely capable of being on my own. But ultimately, I know that the only thing I can invest that passion in that will give me an equivelant return, is a committed relationship with another person. That is how I feel now and have for as long as I can remember. That is not something that changes.
I am going to talk to him about all of these things and that using the single demographic (my age) to predict my future behavior would be the same as me using the demographic that he was divorced and therefore statistically likely to change. To me those alone should be equivalent, if this has to come down to numbers. I have actually been trying to prove him RIGHT by asking as many people who are older than me their opinion, because obviously I am biased for one and for two I haven't lived through it yet. I have been trying to find someone else who thinks that given simply that one girl is 19 and the other one is 25, the 25 is less likely to change into a different person, no other factors included. If you agree with this, please tell me. If you disagree, can you think of factors that would be indicators of someone who has or hasn't formed a strong sense of self? I know everyone is constantly changing, but I am talking wake up on day and can't relate to your spouse after years together because you never __________. The one's I can think of are
1) Previous serious relationship
2) Partied/dated around if need be.
3) Financial and physical independence
I know this is a complicated and very specific, in-depth scenario. I really appreciate your feedback.
AnswerHi Courtney~
Wow! My head is swimming just trying to wrap my head around all that you've just said. Sooo...I'll just give you my general opinion on all of it, so I don't confuse myself anymore than I already am. HAHA! Anyway. The person you now are at 20, you won't the same person as you get older; 25, 30, etc. The reason I say this is a person is constantly growing and maturing, and learning from the things they experience in their lifetime. And I think that's mostly true for all ppl as they age and get older. Does that make any sense?
I think this relationship in general could be doomed, honestly. Especially with him putting you off, giving you constant excuses as to why he does or doesn't want to be with you. He should know by now, whether he if he wants to be with you or not. It's as simple as that. If he wants to be with you, then he should be willing to do whatever it takes to be with you. Even if he is hesitant about it, and he has fears about the future of the relationship (which by the way are totally to be expected, given his past history with the ex-wife and other relationship experiences). But at the same time he can't keep putting you off. It's just not fair to you.
So you basically have two choices here. #1 You can stick it out, and wait to see what he's going to ultimately do (however long that may be). Or #2 You can quit while you're ahead and just cut your losses. Telling him that you just can't do this anymore, even though you love him to death. You just can't keep getting your hopes up, only to be let down.
Besides you have your whole life ahead of you. Why sit back waiting in the wings for him to decide, at his convenience, if/when he's ready to make a go of this relationship. Why does he keep putting this off. Personally, if I were in your situation, I would find this both upsetting and disturbing (whether he's unable or unwilling to make up his mind about you and the relationship). When you deserve way more than he's currently giving you (no matter how good of a "match" you may be when together, and even if the chemstry is off the hook). See, a person can only take so much of something before they break. The question here is when is your breaking point? How much are you willing to put up with and endure for the sake of love and being with him? How much longer before you finally say enough is enough. Sometimes love just doesn't cut it. It has to be about him ready to be committed to you. By now, he should be able to make up his mind about what he does want.
Anyway, I hope in all my rambling I've made some sort of sense to you. I'm not sure I even answered your question(s). If you have any further questions please feel free to ask, or make any comments.
