QuestionQUESTION: I am very confused... My fiancee and I have been together for almost two years now. We started out wonderfully and loved each other very much, fighting was there but it seemed that we would work through it. My question is can we get through and get married or should I say no before we go to far?
One our first huge fights involved me having female friends, it was seen that by me having female friends I was going against our religious beliefs and should in fact exclude all the females that I know who are friends from my life. I do have to mention that before this, some of my female friends showed up to my college dorm and were let in by my roommates to my bedroom while I was unaware. Upon arriving I find them there, and have to try and get them out before my fiancee(girlfriend at the time) shows up. I fail in doing so, and lets just say that was almost the end of us. I went ahead and got rid of all my female friends which came with some bad retaliations, while my fiancee continues to have male church friends.... The next big fight that I remember, involved my mother and the fact that she did not approve of my fiancee (girlfriend at the time). My fiancee was crushed and almost ended up breaking it off with me. A few months later my fiancee begins to think about her first love again. She tells me that she is not completely over him and that she needs to talk to him one on one to end the relationship, which he ended with her a year before we started dating by basically hiding from her. I agree to let her talk to him and basically it just fades away and as far as I know they never get together to talk.
From that point on our relationship went fairly well, we had a few bumps about various things such as myspace, facebook, and and random girls from work that my fiancee could not like. It seemed as though things were okay.
I tell my fiancee that I would love to get married by the time we graduate. At the time that seemed to be one year away. Well now its about two and my fiancee says we are getting married basically. I don't know it feels as though the whole proposal, the day of the wedding, and even the honeymoon and the pace of our relationship is all being decided by my fiancee. Every fight is always in her favor, and I seem to be an idiot for anything that I believe to be unfair, mean, or unbelievable. It feels as though what I have to say doesn't really matte and when it comes down to it the old saying "The lady is always right!" Well is very much true in this relationship, and it seems to be annoying the heck out of me, especially when my fiancee doesn't want to go get counseling, she says that I will fix a whole story up to make a counselor believe me and feel pity for me because I am good at shifting words. What also confuses me is the fact that after every fight where we decide that she is right and I finally apologize, she ends up looking at the fight again and apologizing to me. There is so much more to this but, really the wedding is about four weeks away, do we actually stand a chance in marriage?
ANSWER: Hi Keith~
She has a control issue, and that's the main problem in the relationship. I would strongly advise that you put the wedding off, b/c if you get married now, and at the rate this relationship is headed, it is going to be doomed. As all of this will only get worse after marriage. It's very true that relationships change after a marriage (for either for the good or they can even get worse). She also seems to have a low self-esteem issue too.
I don't think it's fair that you can't have friends of the opposite sex. That's basically saying that a man can't be trusted with the opposite if he's engaged or married. Which is really disrespectful in my personal opinion. Plus it's dictating what you can and can't do. This is not something I agree with at all.
I would urge you to seek some pre-marriage counseling, if you haven't already. This way you can have an open mind and know exactly what you are getting yourself into with a marriage. So my point is that you don't want to go into a marriage, knowing the way she is, b/c chances are she's not going to change her ways. Are you willing to endure this the entire marriage?
Also, she first has to acknowledge she has a problem, then secondly she has to be willing to seek the help she so desperately needs. Since you've already said she's doesn't need counseling and in fact refuses it. This tells me she doesn't think she has the problem, and that it's you (she's in major denial). You must think of the future. How will she behave when you have children? It will be 100 times worse, b/c you'll fight way more than you do now. Is it worth all this?
The important thing is to go with your heart and do what's right for you. If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
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QUESTION: It is just so hard to think about actually ending it after falling in love and it being two years and the wedding being in less than thirty days.s She say that she never means to be so controlling, and she says that she is sorry for being angry with me all the time. Overall she is a loving, kind girl, but there are some negatives to her that even she admits. The only thing is will they change? or will I be able to live with them? or the question I have for you, is will it get worse after we get married?
AnswerHi Keith~
If she's bad now, then she'll only get worse after the marriage. She will then think that she has a right to tell you what to do b/c she's your "wife." If you have any doubt about marrying her it's better to put off the marriage for a while. Of course, this will probably piss her off (she'll show her true colors if/when you tell her this). But when a couple gets married it either gets better or worse. You really must work on these issues before the marriage. My point here is you don't want to end up regretting marrying her.
If you can't handle this now, what makes you think you can handle it if you marry her? That's something you seriously need to ask yourself. Sure, it's hard to put off or even to call off a marriage to someone you love. No one wants to do that and hurt their partner. But sometimes it's a necessary evil.
I'm here to tell you, just b/c you marry her, isn't going to make her change. She has to want to change, and be willing to do whatever it takes to change her bad habit/behavior. My point is you can change a person that refuses to change. She has to want to do it of her own accord. And if she truly loved and respected you, she'd be willing to seek the help she needs for her control issue.
You need to sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. She needs to know exactly how this is making you feel. And that it's really taking a huge toll on you mentally and emotionally.
All you can do is to take life one day at a time and try to decide what you ultimately want to do. It's way better to call off the marriage entirely than it is to get a divorce later b/c she's either unable or unwilling to change her controlling behavior. You can't live like this, it's unhealthy and stressful. I really hope she will change her mind and agree to some form of counseling. She must know what this is doing to you, and actually get the message of how serious of an issue this is.
