QuestionMy husband and I have been married 5 yrs and just a few weeks ago I found out I am pregnent with our first child. Throughout our marriage, we have had many problems revolving around his relationship with his family. We were married young (20 & 21 yrs) and he had a very close bond with his parents. My relationship with them was less than stellar the first few years as we had little mutual respect for each other. They felt I had "stolen" their little boy and I felt constantly defensive towards their meddling ways. This caused many an argument with my husband, especially since he often divulged private information to them, even after I had specifically asked him not to. However, we have all worked hard to improve the situation and over the last year or so, I have forged a good, respectful relationship with my inlaws and a more trusting one with my husband. But since we have found out our baby news, my husband has reverted to his old "kiss and tell" habits, again having divulged several very private pieces of information to his parents as well as his sister. He is trying to be supportive of me, but all we have done is fight since we had the news. It has been one problem after another, almost every day. In addition, he has been spending inordinate amounts of time with his sister, as he works from home during the day, she is constantly with him. I feel like we have no private life any more. I have tried to patiently express my concerns to him, and each time he apoligizes and says it will never happen again. But the next day, BOOM, it's something else. I have been so frustrated that basically we are just yelling at one another now. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel I can't trust him anymore. It is as though the relationship we have fought so hard to develop over the years is being torn apart in a matter of weeks. Please any advice you have would be very appreciated.
AnswerHi Jessica,
It will do you no good to get upset and lose your cool with him. You need to sit and talk with him, to explain to him that it is now time for him to take care of his own family and stop being a momma's boy. He was raised by his parents and with his family but now he has one of his own to take care of.
When he chose to marry you, he chose to move his priorities to building his own family and this is what he has to do. You need to make it very clear that his family is part of your life , but that you and the child are now his immediate family and his first priority. His parents have had their time and have done their job. It is time for him to move on. If he is unable to respect the sanctity of your life and continues to speak openly of things that you request to remain private about, then he is simply not mature enough to understand what his duties are towards your relationship. Make it clear to him in a calm and collected manner.
Also make it quite clear that if you both had your sisters and brothers families there with you every day, there would be no time to work on your relationship. Set borders and parameters to work within when it comes to family. If he is unable to do so, then seek counsel.
the only way to do this is to sit down and communicate with a calm but firm manner. you are going to be a mother, and as such you will need him to concentrate on you and the child. His parents and sister now come second in line, simple as that. He has to respect your wishes as a husband as much as you have to allow him to see his family. The question here is finding balance.
Sit him down and make it clear so that he understands it in no uncertain terms. If he cannot agree and act maturely about this issue, then you'll have some difficult choices to make.
regards,
Don.
