QuestionQUESTION: Oh God, I need help! After a tumultuous year of marriage my wife "left" me for another man. She spent 2 months with him through many lies. I know I have been a major factor in what happened, I was neglectful of her, though not abusive. Now we are trying to work things out. I have come to terms with the situation, and I'm still completely in love with her. We are living together again though we aren't close. SHe still says she loves me and I mean everything to her yet she remains so distant and distracted from our relationship. When I try to talk to her about it she just says everything will be fine, I don't know whats wrong with me, just give it time. She spends lots of time away from the home especially if I'm not there, and is totally distracted by new friends I don't even know. I want so badly to heal this relationship... Please help me understand what she is going through!
ANSWER: Michael: I'm sorry for what you are going through. A few thoughts come to mind;
1. Don't blame yourself for mistakes your wife made. She is an adult and she chose to violate the vows she made. That is something she has to live with and the responsibility is on her to prove her trustworthiness.
2. If she has not done so, she must completely end all contact of any kind with the other guy. There must be no contact or communication of any kind - permanently.
3. She either is or will go through a period in which she grieves the loss of a relationship she thought was going to be fulfilling. It wasn't and she is having to live with the consequences.
4. You need to spend time together. Being distant and distracted is not healthy in a rebuilding marriage. Go to a marriage counselor - let her chose him or her.
5. Buy and read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Farley. Both of you need to read it.
Lastly Michael - keep your chin up. There is a reason your wife is back with you. She thought the grass was greener on the other side, realized you were a better man, and came back. Wade into that. You are the better man - you won. You now just have to reassemble your relationship.
Properly done, this marriage can become more filled with love and devotion than you ever imagined.
Please keep me posted.
God bless and peace to you.
David
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: In your answer, David, #3 seems to be the most prominent issue. How would someone deal with this?
AnswerMichael - I don't want to sound trite but I have seen this over 100 times. The answer is - TIME. She will go through a period of grieving that will probably not last more than 20 to 30 days - assuming there is NO contact at all.
May not be what you wanted to hear but time does heal wounds. This is similar to a death to her. Give her some time and she will be back.
