Navigating Difficult Family Dynamics: When to Intervene?

Question
I have asked for advise recently over an issue with my wife and her relationship with her sexually abusive son (from a previous partner). The answer I was given was ok and I was prepared to give it a go not pressuring her over contact with this boy. However we were sat watching a film last night & she received a text from her ex partners mobile, she thought I hadn't seen the name on the mobile & when I asked who it was she moved to another text & said it was her friend. I know I have a deep seated issue with trust & lies stemming from other occassions were she has not been honest with me & probably from other situations were I have been lied to in the past by others. In my anger I threw my wedding ring in the coal fire & said its over, however, I love her & haven't slept or eaten since cos my stomach is in a knot. She says she can't be honest with me over her ex & his son because I just get angry anyway, but how can we have a loving marriage without honesty. I have tried to ignore the ex & sons existence but she can't seem to understand why I have trouble with this. We have been together 5 years but only married 2 months ago, I said before the marriage I didn't want to go into it without this kind of thing being resolved but she just says we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it. Is our marriage a sham that is doomed to failure or am I over-reacting like she says I am, i am desperate please, please, please help me.

Answer
You've heard "it is what it is" I'm sure many times. She is what she is and you are not going to change her. You really haven't said what the effect of her dishonesty about her relationship with the ex has been. Is it just talk? Is she banging him on the side? What? If it's just emailing, you'll have to get over it. There will always be a tie to this past relationship, a familiarity, and she is the boys mother? As long as she isn't unfaithful to you sexually, I think you are going to have to find a way to co-exist with her past if you are going to remain married. If you were that uncomfortable with it, you shouldn't have married in the first place. Your goal should be to get to a place where she can share these "past" problems with you and get your perspective without you getting angry. Not to say it should be all consuming, but she should be able to say "I got a message from X today and he said this, what do you think" and get an unbiased recommendation. Although ideal, it is not always possible to cut off past lifes cold turkey as you would like. With so little time in the married "bank", learn to live with it or move on would be my recommendation.

Bill