QuestionQUESTION: Last week I told my wife something and asked her not to repeat it to anyone. She gave me her word she wouldn't. Today I walked into her place of employment and her boss just happens to make a joke about what I told my wife. I feel betrayed,she tried to tell me it was just a joke and that I was taking it out of context but I aksed her not to tell anyone and obviously she did. what makes it worse is last week one morning we were talking and instead of saying her sons name she slipped and said her bosses name. She swears up and down that there is no attraction but she is constantly saying how great it is to work with him etc. We have only been married 5 months and I am starting to see that in her head she is always right,. will never admit to being wrong,, I am close to leaving her even though I love her so much,, but its so hard to deal with someone who will never admit to being wrong,, that she never says anything wrong etc.. and I feel betrayed about her repeating to someone else what I specifically asked her not to,,, I need some advice please
ANSWER: Hi Don,
You are absolutely correct in your thought that your wife has been less than respectful with regards to repeating something you specifically told her not to.
Let's consider the following. You are married, and your wife should be your best friend and partner in life. If you cannot trust her to keep information to herself when it is specifically required, then you must not give her information. This of course reduces your relationship to one that is not of trust. I would most definitely explain to her in clear language that the actions she undertook were extremely disrespectful and should be seen as such. You are , in my mind, not taking it out of context as trust is a fundamental building block upon which a marriage either succeeds or fails.
You need to sit down with your wife and explain to her what the meaning of trust is, and the consequences that something like this has for a marriage. Imagine having to watch out what you tell your wife for the next 50 years? I think not.
You are clearly correct about this issue. Your wife tossed aside her word, which tells me that it may not be worth much. A person who can give her husband her word, and then immediately forgets it like this has a problem with commitment in my mind. If she doesn't take this seriously, then you are in for some troubling years, my friend.
When my wife tells me something for my ears only, and asks me to keep it to myself, she can throw away the key, because it is safe. That is my responsibility to her, and it is much more profound than just a "joke". It cannot be taken out of context, because as I mentioned before, it is a fundamental building block of a marriage, trust is.
I think you need to explain to your wife that her beliefs may not match yours when it comes to appropriate display of respect and commitment. Do it kindly, and explain it with sincerity. If she cannot understand how hurt you are and correct her behaviour as well as offer an apology, then perhaps Don.........you may need to review your commitment.
Remember that if you in the beginning of a marriage already see traits that will not or cannot be changed, you may have to reconsider your choices. Many things can be changed, but make sure that your wife has fundamental characteristics that will allow both of you to grow and evolve together to achieve common goals. If this basic variable is missing, then you both are going to have a lot of trouble going forward.
Good Luck to you Don.
kindest regards,
don.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: well last night she told me that I should be ashamed of myself because all she did was tell him to ask me the same question that someone else did and that she didnt actually tell her boss what I asked her not to. then she started yelling that she had already apologized, I told her no you didnt and she proceeded to apologize in an off beat way by telling me "I already said I am sorry" etc. I dont really feel like she apologized but her temper with me is really bad,, she wasnt like this until after we got married, she told me that I had changed for the better but not her
AnswerDon,
Often people will get defensive for reasons that we cannot understand. If you felt bad about what had happened, you were in your right to make a point of mentioning it. This is what marriage is about. It is a communications thing. If you are unable to expose your feelings to your wife, then here may be other underlying problems. You have to seek them out.
Even if your wife felt that you were wrong, there may not have been a need for her to get upset and yell at you. You were simply expressing your feelings, and looking for a way to resolve an issue.
If you approach each issue in your marriage in a manner that is gentle and explanatory, taking care not to lay blame but more so expressing your emotions, then there is no reason for anyone to get upset, as this is a required parameters of building a marriage.
I sometimes get put straight by my wife when I respond in a manner that she perceives to be "brusque", where I on the other hand did not feel it was. It doesn't matter how the ball is thrown or what spin one might give it. In the end, it is only the receiver that can feel it hitting the mitt.
We must be able to understand that not everyone receives the same way, and adapt to that. Sometimes we have to throw the ball softly.
You may have a bad day here and there, and unintentionally take it out on your spouse. She has a right to tell you how she feels about that, just as you have a right to express your feelings about this issue. The deciding factor to me is how these issues are received by the other party.
Some people that have caused pain may get angry when approached, and then others will sit down, reflect on why they did it, and understand that they have done something inappropriate. In my opinion, the latter group are the people who will bring about change and evolve for the better.
You should never feel bad about expressing your feelings to your spouse, Don. It is those instances that will show you if you made the proper choice of a life's partner.
Any spouse can be a good spouse when things are going well.
It is in the challenging times that we are shown how good our choice has been, or the opposite.
I hope that you both can evolve together and find the happiness that you deserve.
kind regards,
Don.
