QuestionMy ex and I have been talking again- our marraige lasted
1 1/2 months about a year ago. I left because we were arguing all the time. My husband was upset because I wasnt making good financial decisons which could have been avoided if I had talked with him first- we were on a tight budget as well and I had a problem which we both acknowledge. He took my card away without even discussing it with me first which I am upset about because I felt like a little child and he was treating me like he was my dad. 1. I overspent on some groceries,2. I overdrew because we didnt have enough money in the bank. 3. I had bills that were unpaid for when we got married. 4. I signed a loan that we could get out of for going to school(believe me I would not have signed it had I known I couldnt get out of it). He would yell at me and tell me that I make really stupid decisons. Am I being unreasonable that he was overeacting- I admit I was clueless about finances- maybe I am expecting too much since he is a human being. Our love life also was nothing. I left my husband because he was blaming me for his mistakes, wouldnt help me with anything which he considered "womens work", wasnt helpful when I asked him for help, and he would tell me that this marraige two weeks before I left that that it was a night mare and he would talk with his ex-girlfriend and started talking more about her and how he missed her. The night before I left I told him about something that I have found about myself that would try and help our marraige but he was unresponsive= told me he couldnt change how his heart was feeling and he wouldnt tell me something because he thought it hurt my feelings which he told me later that it would have been his wish that he would have married his ex-girlfriend instead. When we separated he said he wouldnt give up speaking with his ex-girlfriend because he wasnt going to hate her by not talking with her. He did spend time with her while we werent together and to me that made me feel upset because he was telling me he wanted to work things out and on the other hand he was still spending time with her. His family even told him that he needed to give her up for this relationship to work but he wouldnt. She no longer wants to see him anymore nor does she have any intention on wanting to be with him because they had been together for two years and then he met me and we got married six months later and that really hurt her because she wanted to get married to him and he didnt. He didnt on the grounds that they were having sex before marraige ( even though is was great sex!!!) because he didnt see that was the grounds for getting married. He did admit that he was being selfish in the relationship. My question to myself is what if she wanted to be back with him would he have done it? Does he really love me? My ex is somewhat of a controlling person Ive noticed, if it isnt what he wants I suddenely became the hateful insensitive person. I've talked about the things that I want to do in life= my goals and desires. Ive talked about traveling to other places across the world= he never seems excited about anything that I want to do if he isnt in it- he tells me that what do I care about- a loving marraige or over things that I want to do. He does say he does care but Im not sure he really does.
He blames my sister for destroying the marraige because she offered me a plane ticket and I havent been back since. He says that is was wrong for me to go away and that I should have helped him with his feelings that he wanted to be with his ex-girlfriend over me. I think he is insane because if he really doesnt want me to be with him what do I have to do on his "required" list before he feels that I am worthy enough to be in his emotional list again. He says that if we were together I could focus on what I wanted to do- he plans on going to school for 5 more years to be an opometrist and I feel that if we do come into a financial situation it is going to fall all back on me and I will have to give up on what I wanted to do because of any financial situations that arise and I would want him to finish school. I feel its unfair and unloving for him to say those things to me. For one because he is going to school to do what he wants and second of all I dont want to be someone who just has a job and no education in the things that I like. He always says to me
"oh, you just dont want to give up control, you dont want to give up your independence." I love my ex very much but I do want self-respect for myself and Ive read enough stories that if you dont have that in a marraige someone is going to be very unhappy. My husband currently is 27 years old and when he was 20 years old a disease affected the use of his muscles- it only has affected his legs, he can walk just fine but he cant play sports, run, ride bike like when he was younger- all the things that he really liked to do. Im wondering if alot of lack of self worth and jealously he is taking out on me because of it. My ex has not really had a healthy relationship either with any of the three girls he had been with previously. He is starting to make other friends with girls which really doesnt bother me. I will also say about myself that I have had a fear of intamcy which has reflected on our love life but he puts alot of the blame on me for that problem, I do not see him wanting anyting romantic unless you consider having sex in front of the tv while it is on romantic. I know this is alot of information, I would like some insight into the male mind to help me understand this situation. I grew up in a religous family, I didnt have any boyfriends this was the first man I ever had a serious relationship with.I would appreciate any advice you can give me. Thank you.
AnswerHey Jessica: Thank you for sharing your issues with me.
Reading your story, my first inclination was to wonder why the two of you got married in the first place. It seems as though your ex has a fixation on his ex-girlfriend. That could not have been a healthy foundation for marriage to you.
Given what you've shared with me, I don't think a lot of this is tied to his physical issues relative to his former disease. It sounds to me as though he has a commitment issue.
Here is something I think both of you should be reminded of - marriage is a very serious life-time commitment - not a fling. When you make vows that say, "for richer or poorer, for better or worse", those words are supposed to mean things.
I think the best situation for you Jessica is to move on. This has not been a healthy relationship and it is unlikely to ever be. Find a man who you can develop a relationship that will last a lifetime - that is what marriage is all about.
Again, move on. It does not appear to me that this relationship has any future.
Good luck and God bless you.
David
