QuestionIn a nut shell, we have been married 25 years and I don't feel it anymore. To quote the song 'something inside died and I just can't get it back" many years ago. Very conflicted. We have no intimacy no sex and live like brother and sister for years now. It is my doing mainly, I just am not attracted or have any desire for sex with her. I have had a few flings but have ended them and want to be honest and not hurt her. I Feel very safe with her though because she is a good wife, very forgiving and just bears with me.
But my life is running out and I want to feel joy and love and passion again as opposed to settling for safe and waiting for death.
Have tried counseling, we are reading a book "too good to leave and to bad to stay" together. I am in therapy now and so is she.
It is so hard to end a relationship after so many years. We used to fight but now are peaceful though I am unsatisfied.
I want to be free to have sex again with someone I have passion for. We share very few things together and do our own thing most of the time apart.
Am I wrong for wanting to be free? Feel so conflicted and guilty and scared. Also do not want to hurt her and am very concerned for her emotional well being.
How do I end it gently and remain friends with her - pleae help me.
- she is my best friend and I don't treat her right as I am so conflicted and trying to be honest.
AnswerHi Ed~
It's best to be honest with her and it's also unfair to her if you remain together and you don't live like a couple, rather than roommates or best friends. With that said it's not going to make it any easier to leave her either. She's going to get hurt no matter how easy you try to let her down. It's not uncommon for one of both spouses in long term marriages to become disconnected and to not feel the same way that they once did. It happens, you can't blame yourself, you can't help how you feel.
If you can remain on good terms and stay good friends, then that's the best that you can do for each other. But to answer your question, no, you're not wrong to feel you need/want to be free from an unhappy, unhealthy and unfulfilling marriage. No one's at fault here, it's unfortunate when feelings change over time. And if you feel that you can't continue to be with her, then it's time to move on with your life w/o her in it. Then that's what you need to do. You don't want to feel like you have to be with her out of obligation or convenience. It's certainly a personal choice for each individual. Go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy, whatever that choice ultimately turns out to be. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. The longer you drag it out the harder it will be to end it. You just need to do it and get it over with, so that you each can begin rebuilding your lives, which does take some time to do, but as time goes on you both should be able to adjust nicely and move on with your respective lives.
