QuestionQUESTION: I've been in a lesbian relationship for 3 years with a woman who left her boyfriend of ten years to be with me. She has some children from 2 previous relationships with men. I am her first girlfriend. The children from the first relationship are grown. The others are young, under 12. Their father is still in the picture and for the last 3 years it was never an issue until she, their mother, my girlfriend, started becoming more emotionally involved with the father. After he broke up with his girlfriend last month he started confessing things about how she (my current girlfriend) damaged him in their ten years. She started feeling guilty. Which for her is astounding, she never shows remorse, guilt or shame.
She became extremely defensive. She started hiding her phone and taking it with her everywhere she went. She changed her passwords to her phone and her bank. I have confronted her and told her I was uncomfortable with her getting closer to him. And have caught her in half truths about spending time with him. Her aditude is "it's for the kids", I'm fine with that but I feel I should be evolved also and I shouldn't be lied to. She says I make him uncomfortable. I said you're not with him you're with me!
She becomes angry and defensive when the topic comes up about him. She has cared much more about her appearance and we never have sex anymore. I am going to go on mediations for "being paranoid, controlling and having anxiety" so someone tell me should I go on the medication? Or am I right, shes exploring the option of either getting back with him or at the very least is she just over me? Should I stop trying? Should I keep pushing? Or should I throw in the towel?
All signs point to emotional affair.
Or I'm paranoid.
Now I must say we work together m-f 630a- 6pm. We run a buisness together. We fuss a lot about little things I feel because we see each other all day every day. I made the sugesstion a few months ago to try to spend more time apart, to save our relationship.... I feel I care more at this point. Help?
ANSWER: Hi Joey~
No, I do NOT think your crazy, paranoid or even overreacting. She's obviously up to something or she would NOT be behaving the way she is. What has she got to hide if she's not guilty of something? She will always have some sort of feelings for her ex b/c they share children together. Perhaps it's love, regret, guilt or a combination of everything. Whether she's still IN love with him or exploring the option of getting back with him, she's up to no good, that I will say for sure, intentional or not. You are right here, she's with YOU not him. And if she is interested in exploring the option of getting back together with him, at the very least she owes it to you to be honest with you and to not lie or dance around the subject, pretending the time she spends with him is for the sake of the child. Please that's a lame ass excuse if I'm being honest here.
You have every right to be upset and angry over the way she's acting. She's putting your relationship in jeopardy over this man, and she's making excuses at the same time. She's insulting your very intelligence if she honestly expects you to think that nothing is up with her intentions with this man. So, while she may not yet be having a physical affair with him, she's got an emotional attachment to him. And often times that's actually worse than a full blown physical affair, b/c with an emotional attachment, you give your heart to this other person and become entangled with them. You're very wise to be concerned about this whole issue at hand.
I do think you're definitely onto something when you say she's exploring the option of possibly getting back with him, but with you running a business together, and that's at stake if you were to break up, so she's got a lot to lose if she were to break up this union. This then leads her to lying to you to not lead you to believe something is going on, hence the excuse of "the matters between them is concerning the children". A ploy to shut you up in the process, so that she can do whatever she's doing with him.
You need to sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. She needs to know how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this relationship. She owes you the truth, even if it hurts you and ends up breaking up this relationship. No relationship can live off of lies. It's impossible.
What is it that YOU want out of this relationship? You deserve to know that truth whatever that may be. And if she doesn't think you can handle the truth, then she's not worth your time, effort and energy. You should do what feels right for you, whatever that decision ultimately may be. It doesn't have to be this way unless you allow it to be. It sounds like although you love her, it's not meant to be with her, otherwise, she wouldn't be treating you in this manner. I hope this helps you some. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks samathana,
I have confronted her (we have had a few heart to hearts) and she seems fully intent on saying with me but says if we can be fixed it will fix itself. She doesnt want to work on it. But all I've ever heard is relationships are hard work. She says im rediculous for even entertaining the idea that she will run back to him. She says we are sexualy estranged from each other and she doesn't know if we can get that back. Do couples recover from these things? I find myself so suspect of her I feel like I need to know what she is doing and if I don't I feel like she's just with him.... My sanity is feeling a little compromised these days.
Joey
AnswerHi Joey~
I'm very sorry that you're having to go through all of this. Love isn't supposed to hurt this way, but I suppose sometimes it does. In all honesty you shouldn't keep putting up with this nonsense from her. As for relationships fixing themselves. Yeah, that's wishful thinking. It takes two ppl to make a relationship or marriage work, that's just the way it is. Perhaps she's staying/using you as a convenience, after all since you live and work together, she's become used to it, and you doing things for her and also being there. I can understand the sexually estranged concept, I think a lot of women feel that way in relationships. And it can happen for various reasons too. Relationships do take a lot of time, energy and effort to maintain them. Otherwise, if you don't then things can often fall by the wayside and you can become disconnected from your partner/spouse. This does happen in a lot of relationships and even marriages. This is why I always tell my clients to stay connected as much as they can with their significant other, b/c as time goes on ppl change and can drift apart. Keeping that spark or connection there is crucial in maintaining a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship. When it's neglected then it will show in time. Marriage and relationships are a constant work in progress. It's part of life.
Yes, couples can recover from this, but as I stated before it takes both parties working together and talking and working things out. It's naivety to think that a relationship can heal and work things out on its own, that's impossible. If that were truly the case then all relationships would magically somehow work out, but unfortunately that's not the case in reality. So in order for this to work out, she needs to be on board with you and to work out any issues and differences that you all have, together as a team, a relationship is a partnership, as the over used saying goes "there is no I in team". There are a lot of things that in healthy relationships a person has to sacrifice for the greater good of the union. She's not willing at this point to give up her friendship/relationship with the father of her children.
You have every right to be suspicious of her and her intentions. Listen to your gut instincts after all they are there for a reason, and that's to tell you when something feels right and when it just doesn't. It will never steer you wrong. Listen and obey it and things will work out for the better for you. She doesn't deserve you with the way she's acting right now. You have to somehow convince yourself of that. And go with your heart/head and do what's right for you and what makes you happy. This isn't about her anymore. Just b/c you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them and allow this treatment. Given this situation, it's totally normal for you to be experiencing and feeling these emotions and not really knowing what to do at this point in time. You need some space from her to think and get your head on straight. Only time will truly tell what's going to happen. She continues to treat you this way b/c she knows you'll tolerate it from her. Until you're ready to change and not take this from her, then I'm afraid her bad behavior is only going to continue for you.
