Navigating Relationship Challenges: Dealing with Insecurity and Difficult Experiences

Question
Thank you for taking the time to read this message:  I have been married for 9 years, and it has had its ups and downs.  I have gone through 2 abortions with my wife, 1 I did not know about, and I have gone through lots of doubts.  We were in the 2nd Persian Gulf War 2003, and she met a friend that I knew. They became close friends to where she would talk to him about anything and go see him sometimes at night and talk in his tent filled with other men.  He has a girlfriend that did not know my-wife was his friend, but he said he never had intentions of sleeping with my wife and asked if we had a open relationship.  I have doubted her love since that and the abortions.  He is married now, and my wife is in the desert still working as a government employer.  We hardly talk and I do most of the calling with fear of asking questions of love. She recently bought some nice clothing and lingerie that I thought was strange living in Kuwait (even though she lives in lovely apartment). I have constantly asked questions of who are you seeing?  Are you cheating on me?  Do you still love me which she always says yes i love you.  The thought of that guy hunts me at nights and I find it so hard to sleep without wanting to call and see if she still loves me.  I do not know if anything happened since she continues saying nothing did.  She says she has never cheated on me but i know that the 1st time in 1998 she was giving money to a friend, then the abortion, always saying how good he looked.  Now I sit here writing you for an answer as if I am paranoid, insecure, jealous,or know something is not right.  Yet those happened in my past I know the cheating signs of man, trust me I did it too due to lack of sex during out 9 years together but no excuse for my sins.  So sometimes i think that because I did it in my past to my ex and her that I am getting what I deserve, or the devil is playing with my mind deeply.  Thanks for taking the time to read this and I do hope to hear your answer.

V/R

Henry

Answer
Hi Henry~

What is it that you want out of this marriage?  She's taken advantage of you for long enough.  As long as you allow her to treat you like this, then she will do it.  She will continue to lie to you, cheat on you, talk to other men, etc and do whatever else she's doing that you don't know about.  A person can only take so much of something before they break.  The question here is when is your breaking point?  How much longer are you going to take this before you finally say, NO MORE?!  And that you deserve better treatment than what she's currently capable of giving you.  She tells you what you want to hear.  Do you really think she's going to tell you if she's seeing other men, or if she's cheating on you and whatever else she's doing at any given moment.  Of course she's not going to tell you what's really going on.   So therefore you have some tough decisions to make.  Do you move on with your life w/o her in it and decide that you deserve better than what she's giving you.  And stop holding out hope that she'll stop talking to these other men, etc.  Or do you continue to put up with it and to endure all the heartache she's giving you.  You can't control how she acts, but you do control how you react to her (and others).  It doesn't have to be this way unless you want it to be.  Choices have to be made and changes have to be made, or you're right back in the boat that you were before and life will continue to be miserable for you.  The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.