QuestionHi there Samantha,
I am hoping you can help me sort things out.
I am newly married to a man I have been with for 8 years. We have a very good relationship. At this time, we have no children.
5 years ago we agreed to buy a home with my parents. The deal was, that we would cover half of the mortgage, and my parents who sold their house at the time would pay for the other half. My parents do not have a lot of money to spare, and so the benefit was, that my husband and I could obtain our first mortgage and invest money into ourselves, while my parents could live here with us, rent free and without many expenses so that they could live comfortably and hopefully save some money.
All 4 of us agreed that it would not be permanent.
From the very first day we lived in this house, I have wanted to move. While my parents are mindful of our privacy, I feel like they are with me 24 hours a day, because I am always AWARE of their presence downstairs (in their own separate suite). This awareness has definitely impacted my intimate relationship with my husband. Within the first 4 months, my Father broke his promise to us that he would not smoke in the house, and our relationship was deeply hurt by some terrible things that were said by him. The whole time I have lived here, I have felt like I must keep the peace, and I feel like I can't be myself. I either feel badly that I don't see my parents enough, or I feel smothered by the fact that they are always here. There have been underlying issues between my now husband and my Father because they are both trying to be the "man-of-the-house". This living situation has affected my happiness and my relationships with everyone dramatically.
On top of this, I see that my Father has become more and more unhappy living here, and I don't feel it is good for him to be here.
My Mother, who has always been a positive person, seems to enjoy the situation as much as she can, and I know she loves being able to spend time with me.
Overall the feelings that I have living here are GUILT that I am not spending more time with my parents, and a sense that I can never truly relax and be myself. Also, the house itself has taken on a negative spirit for me, as I feel like I have never really moved in.
I have tried to discuss the idea of moving with my Mother in the past, but she changes the subject every time I attempt to bring it up.
MY QUESTION TO YOU IS: This year our mortgage is up for renewal and my husband and I want to move back to where he is from - A 6 hour plane ride away from here. How do I even being to approach this conversation with my parents? I feel badly that they will have to move as well because they can not afford to stay here by themselves. I feel so terrible that my choice will force them into changing as well. Also, we will be moving so far away. I currently feel like I shouldn't say anything until my husband and I have all the answers, but at the same time, I don't want to upset my parents until I absolutely know that we are moving.
What do you think?
AnswerHi Julia~
You should sit down with your husband and see what his suggestion would be on this issue. Go through the pros and cons of bring up this subject with your parents. It's never easy to live with family members, and this is why I'd never suggest doing it (b/c I also speak from experience), there are so many different problems that can arise from this.
Eventually you'll need to bring up this topic with your parents. You could write something down as a guide to help you when you're ready to do this. It's going to be a very sensitive subject obviously b/c every time you do approach your mom she avoids it. Do it when it's necessary or the time feels right to you and you feel a bit more comfortable doing so. No matter when the time you pick to talk to them, it's going to be upsetting and hurtful to them, there's no way in getting around that. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
