QuestionQUESTION: While perusing through our email I stumbled upon a note that my wife of 18 years sent to our swimming coach. The coach (lets call him Jerry) is 15 years younger (30) and hails from another country and has quite the decorated past and experience in this sport. In the email my wife (Monica - 45) wishing him all the best on an upcoming trip he is taking back to his home country and then adds a little P.S at the bottom of the note stating "in case you didn't notice Sarah ( our daughter ) has a little crush on you (so does her mommy:))
So, obviously this peaks my interest so I began to search and find another note from 2 weeks earlier from my wife to Jerry asking to go out to lunch or coffee with him because she is very interested in his past and wants to talk with him about it. I then find other older emails prior to this from from my wife sent to another female friend of hers expressing her frustration on the fact that Jerry is not paying her much attention at practice and what does she have to do to "break through" to get to know Jerry better (she prefaces this with getting to know someone as well as a parent of a coached child can). There are a couple more notes to her friend stating she finally is getting Jerry to speak with her.
I confronted Monica about all this and she basically said she should not have included the "crush" statement in the note and she was stupid for doing it. When asked if she is happy and satisfied with our marriage she responds yes she is. When asked how she truly feels about Jerry she responds that he is just someone that is "larger than life" and very interesting. She swears she has not gone to lunch or coffee and even went so far to say I could come along if I want to. She plays this off to be somewhat of a little mid-life crisis thing.
Going forward, what concerns me is that Monica is at the swimming pool 5 days a week and Jerry is usually there coaching our kids. I noticed Jerry staring at Monica at the swimming Christmas party a week ago. I also noticed Monica staring at Jerry at a swimming practice we all went to.
Monica and I have since had a couple discussions about all this. Monica swears up and down that there is nothing to worry about and that I am the only one she truly loves.
Our family just relocated to Virginia from N.C. a year ago and we all seemed to be very happy. My wife had previously lost both her Dad and Brother in the span of a year and a half. She's been dieting over the past 6 months and has lost 20 pounds and looks great! Of course I tell her this often.
I really want to believe there is nothing going on here.
After reading this can you tell me if I should just drop all this needless worrying or do you think there is more going on behind the scenes.
ANSWER: Hi Dennis~
A mid-life crisis can sometimes be a serious thing (and sometimes very minor, depending on that particular situation). She seems to be playing it off as it's nothing. Maybe she's doing this to not worry you or even worse yet, to not bring even more attention to herself (as she already has).
It's important for you to listen to what your gut instincts are telling you. They are there for a reason, which is to let you know when something's not quite right. So always, always trust your instincts. I don't think this is anything to just write off and ignore. But it's not something you should go blowing all out of proportion either. Keep an eye on her behavior and see if it changes at all. After all a persons actions do speak louder than words.
My point here is you should sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. She needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. Perhaps you can work these differences out. Tell her that you understand that you want ppl to appreciate how hard she's worked to get to where she is now (meaning losing the weight, etc), but flirting with the coach and throwing herself at him in this way doesn't send out a very good message to him (the coach) and others that are watching her act this way. In other words she's making a fool of herself unnecessarily and acting desperate by seeking out this coach's attention. Anyway, I hope I've answered your questions. Talk to her and see if this issue can be resolved.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks for your perspective. All of your points are right on target with what I had previously discussed with her. I've put everything out on the table and she knows exactly where I stand. She seems to be remorseful. Like you said I will watch to see if this dies down. Thanks again.
AnswerHi again Dennis~
Good luck to you and hopefully your wife will come around and see to the light, and that what she's doing isn't appropriate at all. Try to be as supportive to her as you possibly can, but yet, at the same time, you must let her know where you stand on this issue and hold firm to it.
