QuestionI am 28 yrs married with 2 kids....we are living together with my husband's parents... my husband doesnt want us to separate with his parents because he is the youngest in the family.. he keeps on telling me that he owns the house and that he has obligations to his parents and we cannot leave them behind... 7 years ago i thought its just fine and so i agreed.. my inlaws are nice but nobodys perfect sometimes there are things that just doesnt seem right and that ive come to a point of realizing that living with his parents is not healthy anymore... first i couldnt decide for our family. i cannot do things freely.. the only place in the house where i can move around freely is in our room... also i always have this feeling that his parents are more important for him than us( me, and my 2 kids ). i dont feel needed and he doesnt see my worth because he has his mother around... i feel so worthless...and always feel that he doesnt need me..I dont have privacy in this house!!I cant even put my favorite food in the refrigerator because when you wake up you will not see it anymore as it could have been eaten by someone else in the house im no longer happy. im miserable! I want to decide for our family , i want to decorate our own house I want to feel how it feels to live separately.. ( me, my husband, and 2 kids ) during our first few years together.. since i was young then..i never thought of the negative sides of living with his parents although i already felt uneasy eversince but because i love my husband , i just said ok plus the fact that we dont have means of living separately at that time as we both dont have jobs yet during our first few years.. but as we grow older and now that we both have jobs, i just felt that its time for us to move out .. since inside this house we pay our electricity consumption separatley, im paying for my baby's nanny as well. so there's not much diference if we will move out... i tried to talk to my husband about this way back and he just ignored me and said that we dont have to move out... but because i just gave birth to our 2nd child i felt that our family is getting bigger we have to be on our own and that we're not getting any younger so we have to grow up... and that he should leran how to leave without his parents.. i talked to him again just recently, before christmas and he simply said NO!. he said we are not moving OUT! he said he owns this house when his parents die. he even said if i insist to move out.. he will choose to stay with his parents and he will just give us money for our daily expenses.. just imagine how hurt I am that day.. i felt so unwanted and not needed.. that no matter what happens he will still choose to be with his parents than to be with us .. I cried hard and didnt leave .. because i dont want my kids to grow up without their father.. ive always dreamdt of having a complete and happy family as i came from a broken family... help me what should i do?
i am miserable ... i want to make a decison .. to move out with my 2 kids and leave him with his parents and have a broken family or stay with his parents and our family is still complete.. or can you help me? what can i do to convince him that we really have to separate? please help im so lonely
AnswerHi Blue,
I'm amazed that your husband is not yet mature enough to understand that you are totally and unequivocally CORRECT in your thoughts.
There is no reason why you should not have your own place and your husband is simply being much too controlling and is showing a most apparent lack of leadership and a clear inability to understand what a family needs to be about.
I would in most cases fight for a solution that will be acceptable to all, but in this case, I have to admit that I am most tempted to ell you that you need to stand firm and tell your husband in no uncertain terms that this is not about a house or his parents but more so about a healthy FAMILY environment for your direct family, thus your 2 children and your husband. If he is still unwilling to understand the absolute correctness of your requests, then I must say that you will need to reassess the reasons why you married this person in the first place.
Although we may all love our parents dearly, there comes a time where we have a RESPONSIBILITY to our own wives and children which is much greater than our responsibility towards our parents.
Let there be no mistake. You are correct and he is incorrect in his words and actions. If your husband truly thinks that it is healthy to allow you to be so miserable for an issue that is so clearly easy to figure out, then I'm wondering what else he may see as "healthy".
I would love to have to opportunity to speak to a man that truly believes that he has more responsibility to his parents than he does to his wife and children.
He needs to grow up, and I strongly suggest that if you do not make a clear decision now, your life will continue to be miserable, because clearly, he doesn't care much for your well-being or the basic reasons why he allowed you to have children.
His parents? As a parent, I would most definitely want my child to go about his own business after raising him. I would welcome the opportunity to have my son invite me over to his place, as opposed to living in my place with his whole family. It just boggles the mind to think that they are not even thinking the way you are at some point. If they believe that this is what life should be about, then I fear that both your husband and your in laws need to start listening to you.
If they don't, then by all means, stand your ground and ask them to look around themselves and show you where this is a common issue. I assure you that there are very few people living this way. It is normal behaviour to want to have your own place and raise your family without interference and with some privacy so that you can enjoy the spoils of marriage.
Make your stand, and as difficult as it may be , you have to hold your ground. Last time I looked, a marriage or decisions were not the sole responsibility of the man. Last time I looked, a mother also has a say in things. Unless this is the case, I fear that you have married a man who is unable to allow you any freedom of choice.
You live once and once only. Do NOT allow yourself to be discarded in this manner. It is clear he wants a mommy, and not a wife. Allow him that pleasure, but for yourself, you need to move on with your life. You are on the correct road. He is not. Simple as that.
You can choose to remain miserable or you can choose to tell mommy's boy to grow up and become a man and a father and a husband.
He will still have a fine relationship with his parents, but he won't continue on a path that will ultimately lead to a separation. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that your patience will come to an end at some point and the result will be a separation.
Too many people say that they hold back on the correct decisions for the "sake of the children". Think about it and have your hubby look around. How many people live this way? Not a whole lot, I assure you.
It is the exception, not the norm.
I hope you'll be able to see how limited your options are. find an alliance if it is possible with the parents, and see if they feel the same way he does. Maybe all they wanted was grandchildren but not a daughter in law? I don't know them, but if they do not understand that you need your own life, then I wonder indeed. If they do, then let them talk some sense into him to help you out with your viewpoint.
Just remember that anything you do, no other married person with any inkling of maturity will see yours as an incorrect point of view.
All the best to you and your children,
Don.
