QuestionQUESTION: When I cleaned home, I found an old receipt of $68000 Tiffany ring. I asked husband why he bought such nice ring in past. He said he use it propose his ex, who he don't love. She have bad temper and always ask him knee down and pull ear to apologize, force him add her name in all his accounts and force him give her his apartment key. She want to marry him and set a deadline, said if he don't propose within a month, she will broke up with him. He said he sure he don't love her, but feel guilty that he waste her 4.5 years youth (24 - 28.5). At the end he plan to give up his future and marry her, so he bought such nice ring try to earn her back. I don't believe a guy will buy such nice ring out of guilty. I think he love her more than me. I don't want devote my life to someone treat me secondary. I want to be the one my husband love most. My heart is broken.
He is the one know he willing to spend $68000 to propose his ex, why when the time he propose me, he never think about want to give me the best on special propose day, something better than what he give to his ex. With me, he is promoted and make more money than before. Why he willing to treat her so special out of guilty, but not me? I am sad, because I don't understand why he don't think I worth more than his ex? Why he don't love her and willing to spend more on her? Why he said he love me the most, but not willing to spend the same ring for me? He told me upon all his ex, I am the most good temper, good looking, most successful and highest education. He said if he know both me and his ex at the same time, no doubt he will pick me. But why on propose day, he willing spend more on her, not me?
I want to break up with him. I don't want to be my husband's secondary. Can't accept the fact that the most expensive ring my husband bought is not for me, is for his ex.
I feel very sad and cry almost every night now.
My husband said he already explain to me, I should understand he propose me out of love, propose her out of gulity. I don't know how many woman in the world can understand that and not feel sad. He said I should put it as past and never bring it up again.
So I didn't bring it up anymore, don't want to anger him anymore. But every night whenever I thought about it, I still cry, still feel very painful in my heart.
I can't let go. How can I let go?
I feel hurt, betray and worthless.
The ring on propose day means a lot to me, and it means a lot to me who is the woman my husband love most. If I am not the one, I want break up. Am I too silly?
If you think I should stay in the marriage, help me how can I let go? I can't, every night still cry.
ANSWER: Angel - the fact that your husband made a bad, desparate mistake in the past should not be the end of your marriage.
He obviously made a snap decision thinking it might help save a relationship.
But at the end of the day, he chose to spend the rest of his life with you - not her.
Focus on that. Focus on what attracted you to each other in the first place.
Stay positive and give this matter some time. It will pass.
David
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: At the end of the day, she turn him down. he chose to spend the rest of his life with her, but be turned down. 3 months after, he meet me, then he chose me.
When he propose me he said he never spend so much in ring, because he love me the most, so he don't mind. He make me think the value of the ring show how much he love. He never told me he propose ex before and the receipt tell he lie that he never spend so much.
Why he have to lie on propose day?
I try to Focus on what he attract me in the first place.
But this event still bother me at midnight. I will suddenly cry at night because of that. My husband don't like to solve problem or conflict, he will get upset if I continue depress. So everyday I have to pretend happy and pretend nothing happen. But deep down, I still sad.
How can I totally let go and be a happy wife again?
I have to convince myself he love me more and he don't meant to treat her more special than me. But ... I can't convince myself, because the fact show he does treat her more special.
If I have to devote my whole life and give birth to the man I love, I wish I am my man's most love, not secondary.
AnswerAngel - you have two options;
1. Dwell on this past issue and let it corrode your marriage.
2. Move on and forget a stupid mistake that he made in his past.
There really is nothing in between these two. It is one or the other.
Which do you choose?
David
