QuestionHi. My question is about women who regret their abortions, and anti abortion people using that as a reason to outlaw it? I have always been pro-choice, but a friend of mine recently told me that her mom forced her to get an abortion last year, and that she REALLY regrets it. She says if I knew how awful it was to go through that, and the guilt she has to live with now and for the rest of her life, I would be against abortion. I feel for her, but I also know girls who have had abortions that say that if they had been forced to have their babies they could never have finished their education and went on to lead happy, successful lives. But she said it wouldn't have stopped her from going to school and becoming a vet(that's what she dreams of doing) it just would have been a lot harder? What do you think? She cries every time she talks about it, which makes it difficult to argue with her. But what I REALLY want to say is that every time we make a decision there is the possibiity we might regret it. Does that mean that we want other people (i.e. the government) making decisions for us? I don't know. I'm not really good at debating stuff. I just know how I feel about things, and don't like to necessarily argue my point! I know, that sounds like a cop out! But when it comes to some issues (especially when friends are involved) i don't like to argue. You know? She gets all upset whenever I say I feel women should be able to choose and starts to cry, but SHE brings it up! She desperately wants to convice me how awful abortion is. Maybe it was for HER, but can she speak for everyone? Besides, SHE didn't really make the choice. Her mother did! She threatened to kick her out, not pay for her school etc if she didn't have one, so it wasn't really a choice since she was coerced into it. I kind of feel like it's patronizing and insulting to women's intelligence to tell us we can't have a choice. Isn't the government still made up of mostly men? So do we want them speaking for us? Also, I told her I'm not sure if I want kids because I'm thinking of getting into politics and it's a really demanding job. I kind of feel like kids get in the way sometimes of women acheiving their full potential, but you can't actually say stuff like that because people flip out right? It's like it such a horrible thing for a woman to say she doesn't want kids. Anyway, she got upset and was like "how can you be so selfish? Kids are a blessing, even if the circumstances are not right" and that's what women's bodies are made for etc And women can still be whatever they want, even president, and have kids. But is that really true? Is that realistic? I don't know. It seems like women with children have to make a lot of sacrifices. At the end of the day can you really have your cake and eat it too? I mean if you are working most of the day, and hardly ever see your kids, is that fair? It wouldn't be right to have a pet if you could never spend time with them let alone a child! What do you say to women who say that motherhood is the most rewarding thing, pregnancy is so beautiful and blah blah when you don't really feel that way? I feel like I'm often being judged or attacked just because I'm not a stereotypical girl. Like I'd rather talk politics than talk about boys! And I'd rather watch a documentary and actually LEARN something than watch silly romance movies. And I think puppies and kittens are cuter than babies! Am I weird or bad? Is it selfish for a girl to want something other than kids? I've kind of gone off track a bit here. I guess my main question was about women who regret their abortions. I can't help but wonder how many women regret HAVING their kids, and as a result being trapped in unhappy marriage or being stuck on welfare? And adoption isn't perfect either. I read in the old days a lot of girls were forced to have their babies, give them away and never see them again, and that that caused a lot of pain too! And also how can a woman feel good about her choice when people are always putting it down?! It's complicated. Anyway, thanks for listening. I hope you can help. My friend is currently not speaking to me because she found out that I "liked" several pro choice organizations on facebook. She sent me a message and she was disgusted with me, and that I should be ashamed of myself. And then proceeded to send me pictures of aborted babies. it was awful!
AnswerHi Devon :)
Yes, it would have been much harder to go to school with a baby. The baby comes first. And it's kind if downright obnoxious and ignorant to decide for every other person that abortion isn't right for them because *she* regrets it. Some people regret having children, too. Being pro-choice means people get to decide for themselves what's best. It's awful she was forced into it, it really is, and is unacceptable. But her using her own emotions about it to project onto others is not okay either. If she's upset, she should look into counseling, or call Exhale after abortion line. What happened is incredibly unfortunate, and she can feel however she wants to. But at the same time, I doubt she'd be happy with the parents who have kids and aren't happy telling others not to have kids because they are unhappy with their own situation. And the number one feeling women report after abortion? Relief.
Absolutely not a cop out! The meaness and ignorance and judgement that comes from the other side in an abortion debate is ridiculous and a lot to put up with, especially emotionally. Protecting your emotional health by opting out of debates is A ok, I do it too!
if u can, direct your friend here: http://exhaleprovoice.org/after-abortion-talkline#overlay-context=after-abortion
Could you try telling her that you know what happened to her is awful, and her mom had no business making that decision, but that other women aren't forced into it, and feel differently? Otherwise...you can ask her to just drop it. It is absolutely patronizing to decide what's right for others! Yeah, people freak out over anyone saying such a thing. The fact is, our society is not accomadating to mothers, at all. So you'll need to pay for child care and everything else, so that can most certainly present its own obstacles.
Great for them if they feel that way about motherhood. It is a great thing in the right circumstances....but so are other things. And how much do they actually care for children if they want them to be raised by someone who didn't fully want them? That's pretty anti-child to me. Parenting is hard enough as it is for people who really wanted it.
The judgements you receive are from people that can't think for themselves. How dare you know what you want in life! That's scary and intimidating to people who don't, and are just following the trajectory laid out for them by society when it may not be what they really want. You're not selfish, you're not weird, and you're not bad. Please, please try and believe this, because it's true, and you deserve better that to go through life feeling negatively about yourself! Let those people judge and be bitter, sucks for them. Enjoy life as you see fit. It's *yours.*
It's sad that there are women who regret it, and that they had to be in the position to make a decision they'd regret. Most of them will feel better in time, and maybe some outside help and counseling. An unexpected, unplanned pregnancy can be stressful enough! And pregnancy hormones on top of that! There are definitely women (and men!) who aren't the happiest with their decision to parent. I'm not including those that abuse and mistreat their children, but ones that are amazing parents, but feel the way they do. And then society has decided that the only good way to parent is to be heterosexual and married...how incorrect that can be.
Yes, many girls were "sent away" to give birth, then were coerced into surrendering the kids for adoption. Even forced. This was very prevalent before abortion was legalized-there were "homes" that housed women and girls until the birth, then sent them off. The desire of the post War World 2 couples to have nice happy white babies (most children in need of loving homes right now are over the age of 6, have disabilities, and aren't white. It's heartbreaking) overshadowed the lives and desires of the girls who were pregnant. It was a disgusting system. There's a great book on it-"The Girls Who Went Away" with stories from those who experienced this. One woman took great offense to abortion being portrayed in the way it is, because for her, to even suggest that her abortion (which she said was a negative experience) was the same as having her baby she birthed taken away was nothing less than offensive and cruel. Some of these poor women dealt with very intense pain for the rest of their lives, and there wasn't much support, if any, for them. It was another instance of people making decisions for women.
Yup. The negative portrayal of women affects us all now-not wanting to get one because of misinformation, feeling shame.
I hope I helped! Feel free to write back any time!
And those aborted babies she sent you pictures of? Fake. And please don't feel shame, you have NOTHING to feel shameful about. Nothing. And it was beyond inappropriate for her to send you those pictures.
