QuestionHi Bill,
I have a question about marriage and trying to have children. I hope this is something that you can give an opinion on. In May 2003, my husband and I started to try to have children. We were both very excited by the prospect and we have talked about having children for awhile. For months we were unsuccessful which was disappointing to me. In February 2004, I found out that I was pregnant, but immediately started having problems and the pregnancy soon ended in miscarraige. Later, my doctor told me that the pregnancy could have been ectopic (occurring outside of the uterus) and that if it should happen again, she would not recommend that we continue to try naturally, but should instead look into in vitro. This whole experience was very emotional for me.
In May, I was ready to try again, but all of a sudden my husband didn't want to try anymore. He said that he wanted to take a break and just be "normal" for awhile. This was extremely disconcerting to me because I'm ready to try now, and with it not exactly being easy for us to get pregnant, each month that passes as a missing chance is heartbreaking and excruciating for me. I told my husband this and he said that he doesn't understaand what the big deal is waiting a little while. I also explained to him that having lost my mother to cancer 2 years ago (and not seeing or being close with my father) have definitely made me want to start a family of my own sooner rather than later. I am 30 (31 in October) and my husband is 32.
Many arguments have occurred because of this and he ends in agreeing that we can start trying (which I hate because I want him to want to try.) I don't understand the abrupt change in his wishes--why all of a sudden he no longer wants to try. I have asked him and I get the same "I don't know what the big deal is" response. Furthermore, the last couple months after he has agreed to try, he "withholds" from me. I don't want to go into too much detail, but basically, when it's around the time we are supposed to try he doesn't do what's necessary to make me pregnant.
I am so angry and sad by this. I do everything for my husband and really try to be the best wife possible. I know that trying to have children can be stressful on a man, but I really try to make it as fun as possible. I never mention having sex just for the sake of making babies or anything like that. I know that that can be alarming to men. I'm to the point that I am thinking about divorce, which is something that I really don't want to do, but I want to have children so badly that if he purposely is withholding from me, I just can't take it. I know that the miscarraige did not affect him, because I asked him this directly and he said that the fact I was pregnant never really "sank in" for him, so he wasn't sad about losing the baby.
What should I do? Am I missing a perspective here? Please help!
Thanks,
Diana
AnswerD,
There are a lot of male emotions involved here, as he witnesses your emotions, which are hard for you to understand. Two which quickly come to mind are that after witnessing all that has gone on, naturally he is thinking "why do it and go through it all again?" The second which is effecting his thinking the most is, since things didn't work out and all the emmotional involvement, I'm imagining he has a feeling of having "broken something" and doesn't want to do it again. Your best chances of having more attempts is to show that you are willing to give it a rest for a while and are truly over the last failed attempt. Somewhere we have to believe that things happen for the best, and try to make light of it. If you have another attempt and it doesn't work out, consider adoption rather than putting yourself and him and your marriage at any further risk. In the end, I have seen these types of arguements ruin marriages. Try to come to the conclusion that when the time is right, the time is right!
Bill
