QuestionS. Kessler: I am contacting you due to concerns with my marriage. I am a 34 year old husband with a 2 year old daughter. My wife is 34 and we have been married 4.5 years and together for 9.5 years. My wife and I have several issues to work through (who doesn't?) but there is one major roadblock that I don't know if we can get past; my in laws. My wife is an only child and has had her parents deeply involved with her entire life. I have a sister and have what I feel is a normal, healthy relationship with my parents. We talk once/twice a week via email or phone, see each other 4-6 times/year (live 150 miles apart), etc. However, my wife talk to her parents several times a day and they are CONSTANTLY at our house and into our business. My wife tells them what is going on with our decisions (such as selling our house, they feel they have a right to tell me what offers to accept/reject/etc). When we bought our new house, my mother in law did not like the lender we selected and tried to get me to change (to a higher rate, etc). When I told her we had to agree to disagree, she refused and would not stop arguing until I left the room. That was several months ago and she still tells my wife I selected the other lender just to spite her. She has also said bad things about my parents in front of me and my daughter which went over like a lead balloon with me. I will save you the rest of the gory details (such as my wife telling her mom about our fights, etc), but my wife feels the CONSTANT interaction with her parents is normal and cannot understand why I feel like they invade our life. In sum, she is being their daughter well before being my wife. This has been going on for several years and we have gone to counseling where we discuss boundaries. However, she does not do anything to set up boundaries and Iam at the end of my rope and am about to walk away from the lot fo them. While I understand you do not know everything at play, do you have ANY advice? I would love to move 1500 miles (her parents live 15 minutes away) but she refuses.
Thanks.
AnswerHi Aggravated~
I'm sure you would love to move even half a world away from them. But asking that of your wife, would be like asking her to amputate a limb, and b/c she's so involved with them, she'd be lost w/o them, so of course she refused.
Now you've come and have been to the point of no return and you're fed up and done with them. I highly doubt that you're wife even realizes this or has one inkling that you feel this passionate about getting away from all of them. She's become emotionally inept and very dependent on them, thanks to her parents being right up her rear 24/7. And honestly all of them would probably have an emotional breakdown if they weren't in each others business all the damn time. Sad and pathetic, but unfortunately it's very true.
You need to sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. She needs to know exactly how this is making you feel (and I mean exactly). And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. Tell her that you're dead serious that you're ready to drop them all like a hot potato and move out so that you don't have to deal with these ridiculous antics they are pulling and the nonsense that you go through on a daily basis. That frankly you're sick and tired of their crap and you're not going to put up with it any more. You have to mean what you say and say what you mean. Otherwise she's not going to take you seriously at all and will blow you off by not believing a word you say. After all actions do speak louder than words.
So the decision is ultimately yours to make. The hardest part is taking the first step and actually going through with it. And only you can make that tough choice.
