QuestionHelp! I am lost and confused. I was married to my husband for just a little over two years. We have been separated now for 4 months. He's really wanting a chance to show me he's changed, but I dont know what to do. I left because he was mean! We argued all the time, he was verbally abusive, we did do anything together, it was like living with a roommate with the occasional sex. When I moved out we still continued to talk thinking it would help us understand that we do love each other. That took all of two weeks. He never wanted to see me always wanted to hang out with his friends and leave me to cry. So it was on a Sunday i put a stop to it. Called it quits! No more! But now he wants to prove to me he's changed. I'm sorta seeing someone else that is a sweetie and I really enjoy spending time with. But I cant help but wonder about my marriage. Am I stuck on the material things, the "thought" of marriage, I just dont know. I cant help but wonder if he's using me for his own selfish reasons. He tells me he's empty inside, that he sees how he treated me was wrong, that he owes it to me to show me that he does love me. I just dont know. We didnt get along for a year and a half because of his behavior... what should I do? What should I consider? OH HELP!!
AnswerHi Tish~
It seems that he's a little too late. Perhaps he's just jealous b/c you've moved on with your life, and finally found someone that you like, have things in common with, that treats you right, etc. Why continue to be with someone that you felt just like roommates? That chemistry wasn't there, you didn't really do things together that couples would do, he was mean to you, etc. Why give him another chance to treat you the same way he did? At the end of the day you have to ask yourself is he really worth giving up this new guy who's good to you, that you enjoy spending time with, etc? Probably not, chances are he's not changes one bit. He's upset, angry and jealous that you got tired of stupid and ridiculous games. Not to mention it was hard enough for you to get up the courage to leave him in the first place. As I've said to my other clients that ask for advice, often times the hardest part is deciding to leave and then actually going through with it and leaving for good. You're out of that unhappy, unhealthy and unfulfilling situation. The next step is for you to make it final and to go ahead with the divorce so that you can fully take the next big step and move on with your life w/o him in it.
At some point he's got to learn from his mistakes and know that he can't treat you like he did, nor anyone else that way for that matter. Some times a person just either doesn't care or they don't learn a lesson from something. If you took him back, sure he might change for a bit, but then he'd go right back to his old ways and then you'd be the the same boat that you were in once before. Why go through that all again for nothing. I mean you did leave him for a reason the first time due to his behavior and treatment of you. It's not uncommon to sort of feel bad for leaving someone you've been with for a while. You have to be strong enough to know that he nor any other man can get away with treating you like crap. You deserve way better than what he was giving you. He's the one that choose the behavior back then and now he has to pay for it, b/c you've finally wised up to his games. Of course, the choice is yours and it's one that only you can make for yourself. I can only give you advice on what you've told me. And that would be I'd highly discourage you from even considering taking him back. You should leave it be and let him stew and think about what he did that got him in this situation to begin with. I guess my point here is go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy, whatever that decision ultimately is. You're the one that has to live with that decision and outcome.
