QuestionMy spouse has no interest in counseling. And I can't control my feelings of rejection and anger at this point.
My 36 year old husband and I have two sons ages 1.5 and 3.5. All our friends are now married with kids of similar ages and when we occasionally have adult night with our friends and drink and party he will say - I'm to old for this - I miss the boys. Likewise our datenites always are short because he would get anxious about the kids.
Now his cousin who is 28 year old single (vulgar) college student enters the scene. He lives very far away and we see him probably once every three years, but he and my hubby chat on FB and e-mail alot.....
His cousin was accepted at a college near us and will be here for six months. He has to date been here six weekends and my husband has spent at least two nights every weekend going out to "dinner" with his cousin - not getting back til 2 or 3 AM completely drunk and surly and tired the next morning leading to arguments. His cousin lives about 45 minutes away from us for these six months. He has three female college roommates and on other male. They often go out as a group with my husband.
He is loving hanging out going to college parties and I am not invited. I have been upset and he just asks what is my problem if you don't trust m speak up because my cousin is here "only" six months and I am going to see him whenever possible. He gets very aggressive and says I need too much attention (24/7) blah blah if I don't like it I need to decide what I want to do - I suggested that I move out so that he could be single. He said thats my choice. Do what I have to do.
I think a 36 year old man with two sons needs to find ways to enjoy being with his family and perhaps having BBQs and other events that I could attend and maybe our kids sometimes too. There choice of how to spend the six months seems inconsiderate, disrespectful and bound to end badly.
I hate to be the one to "split up" our family but don't know what to do to get him to grow up and act like a husband/father anymore. He just calls me needy and jealous.
After six weekends of fighting (no sex life for me) and being cut out of the "party group" how should I feel? I've been going out the last two Saturdays myself and he does not seems to care at all (out with girlfriends...). Should also mention he is out twice a week as well playing on a sports team with his friends (city league). So I don't see that I am really that "needy".
I am a successfully employed, thin,, attractive person and know I have other options...I'm just very sad about my sons....
yeah i'm not as fun as the cousin because I "can't" go out and leave my kids every weekend and return drunk at 3AM after a night of commenting on all the "hot bitches" at that bar. That apparently is what is fun. I understood the once a month boys night. I do not get the 8 or 9 days a month drunk and act single weekends. I can not be that "fun" and take care of our boys. I work 60 hours a week.....and am the family breadwinner.
He does not seem to really care if I stay or go. I don't understand why one weekend he can't just say when invited - you know what cousin, I am going to pass this Friday to spend some time with my wife. Or I do know, I guess. I am just the less fun option and he can't bear to think of spending time with me vs. a weekly boys night....
I feel crushed and can't even keep on a good game face now when he tells me he is going out. I tried two "girl nights" but I unlike him really would rather be with him or my sons - at least most of the time. My idea of a good time is getting all dressed up and sexy for the guy I already have :(
AnswerHi M,
Thanks for writing. I am sad for you and the circumstances in which you find yourself. What causes me to feel even sadder is that you are seeking a way to fit a happy life for yourself around what your husband is doing. You are finding that this is impossible to do.
What you have is not a relationship. Relationship takes two and your husband lacks the courage to tell you that he doesn't want to relate to you in a mature, loving, marriage. Instead, he has opted out and is living life the way he wants, playing the role of the immature teenage boy he really is. Through his actions you can easily see that he does not want marital responsibility. I imagine he is trying to make life so miserable for you that you will leave, then he can blame it all on you. It is my hope that you are too smart for that, as you know well who is to blame. It is sad he doesn't have the guts to confront these issues head-on.
Don't get me wrong, there is no excuse for how he is acting, but something got him to this place. It could be to do with how you related to him back in the days when you did have his attention. Who knows? In any event, he has turned his back on the marriage and pursuing him or trying to pull him back in will never be successful. You really must give him his space, focus on your own happiness, and if you can't abide the situation then make a decision such as separation. If you do this, he may wake up and come back to the marriage, but keeping things the way they are will never work.
If I were you, I'd go get individual counseling so that you can be steered toward healthy decision-making. I wish you the best and hope this helps.
Doctor Becky
