QuestionI am a 45 year old divorced woman. I have always been strong and confident and never compromised or settled on relationships that weren't healthy or whole. 2 years ago, I met a man and fell deeply in love with him. He treated me like a queen and treated my children (2 daughters) as his own. He provided for us financially, took us on many trips, showered us with gifts and was the "perfect" catch, so I thought. About 6 months into the relationship I discovered that he was still married and not divorced as he had said. He explained it away that he was only with her for financial obligations and after all, how could have taken me to meet his family (mother, siblings, etc.) if he were truly in a marriage. I fell for his explanation but then later discovered he was involved with several ladies and even engaged to one in particular and had been for the previous 4.5 years. He confessed to all his affairs and called the ones I found out about and expressed to them that he was sorry and truly in love with me. He stated he wanted me to trust him so he downloaded a tracking app on our phones so that we could always see where each other would be at any given time. He was deployed to Afghanistan (air force reserves) and swore that he would file for divorce when he returned and never go back. He also got a tattoo of my name across his chest (not the tattoo type at all) and said he would do whatever to prove his love and commitment to just me. I supported emotionally while he was in Afghanistan. While he was there, his wife contacted me and asked me if we were together and asked if i knew that he still lived with her. I explained that I hadn't but found out later. She said she didn't care who he was with but wanted to keep her current lifestyle and way of living. I talked with her in depth and learned that he had lied about many other things and had always denied being with other women, even though she and him were not intimate. She then contacted him and told him that she knew all about me and if he divorced her, she would sue him for everything he had. He came home and now he is back with her, asking me to be patient until he figures a way out. My question is this.... has he groomed me for the last 2 years that I just can't clearly see his deception and betrayal? Is it possible for a 48 year old man to cheat and lie his entire life but suddenly change, now that he has found the "one" for him? I told him to never contact me again unless he had filed for divorce and moved out of the house. He has sent me many texts and emails, calls crying out in depression, stating he has done so much to 'prove' his love for just me. Should I run or do you really think people can change? I have been in a deep depression for many weeks, can't focus on my job, can't sleep most of the time and torn emotionally, spiritually and physically about what to do and if i will ever have peace with a man like him. Please help me.
AnswerThank you for contacting me and trusting me In your inquiry. By what you wrote, you are an independent woman who has accomplished a lot in your life. I praise you for that. You are capable in raising your children, having a roof over your head, and providing for your family. With all that, we still feel lonely and God designed us to be with a mate whether many want to admit it or not. I'm sure that after being divorced and raising your children, you wanted to do something for yourself and that would include being in a relationship, or at least try and that's great.
This individual whom you started dating should of been up front and truthful with you. From what you haved conveyed to me, he has a long track record of cheating and this was confirmed through his still married wife. I'm sure that this was a shock to you and more of a shock that she is only with him because of the "Lifestyle" she is accustomed too. When a man is I love with a woman, regardless of his past , he will change. I'm glad that he called his past relationships and called it off and as for the tracking device, if your satisfied with that level of comfort then I hope that works out for you at that time.
Now, to the current situation. He is scared of divorcing her plain and simple. She has due cause because of his past indiscretions and she will literally leave him with nothing in a divorce. I don't know if he has any children with her, but if he does, he would be paying a hefty monthly child support, alimony if she is not working and take his pension from the military. Are you ready emotionally to be with him if that does happen? Are you ready to always have her in the background of your relationship with him? All of this would of been avoided if he was upfront with you 2 years ago. You have made a great decision in regards to not talking to him unless he gets divorced. I understand your situation and need comfort.
In the bible, Psalms 34:18 it reads, " Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart;And those who are crushed in spirit he saves." Please pray every day and read the Bible every day. I know you crushed but by seeking God through prayer and reading the book of Psalms you will be comforted. If you need additional advice, please feel free to write again. On April 5 which is on a Thursday, in a world wide observance, Jehovah's Witness are having an observance of the Memorial of Jesus Christ. Please contact your local Jehovah's Witness Congregation for time. It's only for one hour. It will be towards you're benefit psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.
Sincerely,
Hermano DDD
