QuestionHi Dr. Becky,
I have been involved with a man for the past 2 years. He lied when I met him and said he was divorced and was dating no other women. After about 6 months, I learned that he was married but they had an arrangement to just stay together for financial reasons. I later found out he was corresponding with many others throughout the country (met while in service) and was even engaged to one lady for the previous 4.5 years. He ended all the relationships with the ones I had caught him with and promised to file for divorce from his wife. In the meantime, his wife contacted me and told me he had always cheated and she didn't really care but she wanted to keep her same lifestyle and therefore put up with it. He assured me he was filing for divorce and was deployed to Afghanistan and assured me that he would be with me once he returned. He sent many gifts, money and talked with me every day while he was there. Once he came home, he said that because I had told his wife about US, and she was willing to sue us both for alienation of affection (state law), he had to stay there until she agreed to sign the papers. He took me to meet his family and mother and assures me I am the one for him. He got a tattoo of my name across his chest and swears that he is a changed man and NOW, only wants to be with me. He put a tracker on his phone so I could see where he is at all times and I can reach him anytime day or night but inside I have no peace. I am so in love with him, but even though he's now trying to prove by doing all these crazy things, will I ever be able to trust someone like this again? In your experience, do cheating, lying men really change? I'm heartbroken and lost. Please help me.
AnswerHi Donna,
Thanks for writing. Just reading what you wrote stressed ME out, so I can't imagine how horrible it would be to live in such a wretched situation. You have my deepest sympathy.
Let's cut to the chase and allow me to answer your question at the end of the letter first: "In your experience, do cheating, lying men really change?" Answer: No.
For some reason you stay despite being buried in red flag warnings that this man is one of the biggest losers that the male gender has to offer. His lies are so egregious that each one in and of itself is deal-killer material. The tales he weaves about why he can't be with you are laughable and ridiculous. I ask: Why-oh-why haven't you run?
You say you love him, but what's to love, and what is love anyway? He's really a terrible catch for any woman -- spreading misery everywhere he goes. Surely you are not so desperate for "love" that you would settle for the lowest-of-the-low treatment that this lying goon has to offer. Love isn't supposed to hurt, by the way, but it seems that's mostly what he does to you. In a healthy relationship you do not need GPS trackers or to check up on your man, and being the liar he is, I would suspect that he knows how to circumvent technological trackers. Solid, good men are loyal and would never do anything to cause a woman to question his fidelity and that his heart is true. You have no inner peace, and yet that is what healthy relationships do -- make you feel BETTER than you did without it.
Your relationship is as sick and dysfunctional as they come. He will not change, and will die a lonely old man as eventually women will get sick of him and one day he won't be able to attract any decent ones to replace the ones he had.
As for you, you deserve much better. It pains me that you allow yourself to be treated so dreadfully. If it was me, I would have kicked him through the goalpost of life the minute he lied about being married. THAT alone is unforgivable. I wish you loved yourself more.
You know what you need to do. I wish you the best.
Take care,
Doctor B
