Financial Control in Marriage: Understanding Your Rights & Options

Question
Hi, I kept some personal debt from my husband. He makes much more then I do but we kept everything separate. I had some medical bills that I couldn't pay so I used funds for bills to pay for my prescriptions. He found out because our bills were behind. I also had a couple of small credit cards totaling less than $1000. Now he wants me to sign my paycheck over to him and ask him when I need money and he will decide whether to give it to me or not. He also wants me to sign the deed on our house over to him completely. Should I do this? Or should I contribute my portion of "our" bills and keep the remainder of my check for my use and what about our house. We built it together and have about $400,000 in equity. Can this marriage be saved?

Answer
Hi Lisa,

Poor dear. You have broken your husband's trust -- similar to having an affair, you did something to breach his trust, so the first order of the day is to vehemently accept responsibility for your errors and to promise never to do it again -- then you must do that! It doesn't matter how much money was involved -- what I am saying is that I would not try to diminish the impact of what you have done by saying, "Oh well, it wasn't that much money anyway." I am sure that sort of response is very concerning to him as well. Money represents power, security, and survival to men, and your husband no doubt feels a threat to all three. That would explain why he wants you to sign over your paycheck, etc.

You asked should you sign over the deeds, etc -- of course not! You need to have a sense of safety and security as well. However, I would suggest a compromise where for a period of time he has complete access to all of your accounts so he can see for himself what is going on and regain his sense of safety. If you do decide to sign over everything I would think you would end up being very resentful toward him -- do not do this!

Just like with an affair, for a while he is going to be a hammer and you the nail. However, he should not hammer forever. At some point the hammering goes too far and too long and could cause you to give up on the marriage. It seems that this is a very complicated situation and I would highly suggest you go to a therapist to help you through it. A therapist will bring your husband to his senses and help you all rebuild trust.

I hope this helps. Take care and good luck.

Doctor Becky