QuestionMy husband and I have been married for over 8 years now...but for almost 3 we were separated and only recently this year got back together. Here are a few main problems that I believe my husband doesn't see or seem to understand.
My major issue is coming up this weekend. He wants to see his sister, whom lives 5 hours away from here. Whom by the wait hates me and I also hate her. That is apart the point what bothers me is that he is willing to go see his sister and nieces even though she doesn't want me in her home. Here are my options we can all go together and I can stay in a hotel so that she can see our kids and him, and his nieces can come and see me at the hotel. Or he can go to see her by himself or take the kids I stay here. All I think are no good to me. Why, because he has no respect for me. Out of respect for his sisters wishes I can't enter her home. So I believe out of respect to me he just shouldn't go. I don't want a tug of war just that we are our own family and we should make decisions best for our home. If she wants to see her nieces and nephews she can come down, her nieces are all very welcome in my home and if she comes down even though I truly hate her I would welcome her in my home out of love and respect for him, not her. (I get along great with the rest of his family) She is part of the reason we split in the first place.
Now why do I speak about respect....my husband doesn't have any for me.
He sees no harm in staying out late with friends till am drinking and losing money on poker, no harm in taking off to see his friends in Austin especially one whom because of him caused problems( has a child from a previous relationship and his buddy would tell this girl everything we would do...and she would come and cause problems in our home) Reason we moved away, so I don't feel he should trust this friend since he is now married to the sister of this girl....I don't want anymore problems with her. When he gets mad he tells me he never wanted to really get back with me and that I can leave when I want, he is going to do what he wants, when he wants and I have no say....just if you don't like it leave. Which brings us to an argument of last night. I found out he was looking at porn sites...again, the problem I have asked in the past not to. I told him it made me personally feel like I wasn't enough for him and he needed to be stimulated to be with me. Nothing wrong with porn if both partners agree one is looking at it or if both free to view together but over all that both partners know about it and are ok with it. He says he got hooked when we split up and doesn't plan to change besides he truly doesn't care what I do or with whom. I asked if he doesn't want to be with me to leave but not to tell me a bunch of stuff insult me and in the morning apologize and say it's just because I mad him and that's why he said what he said, but doesn't mean it. I believe his attitude is wrong and that he should think about changing or leaving. He says I am trying to control him. I wouldn't if he hung out with his buddies( no drinking in my home we've got kids) twice a month only if in exchange he would take me out alone and also spend family time. I believe that I am not asking too much in that way and that I am being fair that he wants some alone time too....but if he gives to us first. I believe that the issue with his sister is clear I don't think he should go....what about how I feel about it and the respect to show me that I come first. Besides trust me he goes he will come back in a bad mood blaming me for so much just the same way when he speaks to his sister over the phone....his temperament changes and says I try to control him and is miserable. But if no conversation with his sister he won't tell me that stuff.....instead how grateful he is to have us all together and wants it to truly work out between us for our sake and our children.
AnswerHello Brenda:
First, your husband has a couple of critical decisions to make.
1. Regarding his sister - his FIRST loyalty should be to his wife - his own family. Let him go to his sisters this weekend without you BUT with the stipulation that he tells his sister that you and he are one and if you are not welcome in her house, then he isn't either. And he will not return unless and until the wounds between the two of you are healed and past transgressions are forgiven.
2. Regarding the bigger picture of your marriage - both of you need to decide if you really want this marriage to work. I assure - saving this marriage will be much less painful than divorcing and moving on to another relationship. I encourage you to do so.
What attracted the two of you together in the first place? Have you done anything for your husband in the last 30 days? Has he done anything for you? You two have got to begin to think about each other.
Stop focusing on whether you are being respected and focus on the relationship. I don't expect you to do this alone. Both of you have to decide two things;
a. Do you want to save this marriage?
b. Are you willing to do the hard work necessary to save it?
You BOTH must answer yes to both questions or this marriage is over.
Discuss this him and let me know what you two have decided to do next.
Best wishes!
