QuestionI'm a 39-year-old man, my wife's 38, our son's 21 and in university studying information technology and website design, and our daughter's 14. We've been married for 23 years now.
A fortnight ago, I came home from work, got changed and found a load of strange men's clothes, along with a pair of briefs unopened and a note saying "To Antonio..." on them, plus receipts for a "packer" from a sex shop lying on my bed. I didn't touch them, but wondered whose clothes they were - they were too small to be mine.
What is a packer exactly? I thought it was someone who worked packing goods for a living, but have no idea what one is other than that.
When my wife came in from work later that evening, I calmly confronted her with the evidence and asked her outright what was going on and who Antonio is/was.
My wife told me she isn't having an affair, Antonio is her male alter-ego and the masculine version of her name (Antonia) and she intends to be "him" in public sometimes. She told me she doesn't want a sex-change either - she wants the best of both worlds. She said I should do the same thing.
She has had a haircut that is stereotypically associated with lesbians - but told me she is not lesbian/bisexual nor wants a sex-change. She said to me "In all honesty, I'm not a lesbian, butch lesbian, bisexuality, whatever, I love you and only you as a partner 100%." which reassured me somewhat but I'm wondering why she would want to be this alternate personality.
I've been getting counselling for this, and am wondering how to cope with this situation.
How should I deal with this issue? I need help, and although counselling is good, I need further help to find out how to cope with this.
(posting from public computer using shared email address)
AnswerHi James,
It sounds like your wife is a female cross dresser. I have had male clients who do this and love it -- they also are not gay and still love the heterosexual partners they have. Problem is, the partners don't usually take it well, but the best thing you can do is educate yourself about cross dressing from a family member's point-of-view. If you can learn to accept your wife's fetish I imagine things will work out fine ... if not there will probably be a lot of pain for all. Ask your counselor to talk to you about cross dressing.
I know this is a shocking revelation, and it probably took your wife a lot of courage to tell you. What I know is that once a person decided to "come out" it cannot be put back in the box. To do so could very well lead the cross dresser to suicide.
In answer to your question, I don't know what a "packer" is. I have never heard the term.
I hope this information helps and I wish you luck.
Doctor Becky
