QuestionMy wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 young children together (oldest is 4). I have recently found out that she had an affair with her boss about 6 years ago (prior to us having kids). I confronted her about it and she confessed everything. She had went on a half dozen 2-3 day "business trips" over the period of 4 months where she and the other man would be together to spend time and have sex (about a dozen times, all unprotected). She was in her early 30's and we were having a fairly rough time in our marriage. Prior to the affair, she only had 3 lovers (including me) and is not an overly sexual person. She said that her boss made her feel special and really wined and dined her in the most expensive restaurants (he is fairly wealthy). She said that she believed she had strong feelings for him and it wasn't about the sex. They have had several dinners alone where they would just talk. At the time, I caught her doing online searches for "in love with 2 men?". She said it was for her friend and I never thought to not believe her. She said she "snapped" out of it and broke it off because she realized that she really loved me and was so ashamed of what she did. She said that she had then recommitted to giving 100% to our marriage. Knowing what she did and that she would never do it again, she decided not to tell me about it and would take it to her grave. Since then our marriage was strong and loving and we have a wonderful life together with our children. I still can't believe she could do such a thing and neither can she. She professes that the person she was during the affair is like a stranger to her and is dead and buried. I love her and our children so much and don't want to lose what we have. However, I'm so scared and wonder if taking her back is the right thing to do (I want to). I just don't want to take her back only to divorce her at some point in the future if I we can't get through it. I believe our love for each other is genuine and that we have the potential to have an even stronger more loving relationship...but am I fooling myself? We are both successful professionals, attractive and in our late 30's. Neither of us would have too much of a problem finding new relationships. I sometimes wonder if I'm doing this for my children as well. Would I take her back if we didn't have children? I would like to think so and do believe so...but I wonder if I'm living in a fantasy land. Do you have any advice? Good or bad, what's your opinion. Thank you so much.
AnswerHi Mark~
Cheating is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage, and it doesn't matter if it happened recently or in the past long ago. It still hurts to find something like this out from someone you love and that you've committed your life to, and especially when you have children together, it can make it that much more difficult. My husband cheated on me in the past, he did it for various reasons, all which I understood why it happened, and I did contribute to it, due to a lack of intimacy, etc. Back then we didn't have very good communication skills with each other at all. I decided to forgive him and move forward with our lives together as a couple and family (we have one daughter together). It hasn't been easy but along the way we've both become stronger and better people, we stuck together and choose to work it out, but not everyone in this situation can do this. It takes dedication, commitment, patience, love, time, energy and lots of effort on both parts to make it work. And it's not something that comes over night it can often be a slow and frustrating process too. I would also strongly suggest to you that you seek some marriage counseling for both of you to cope and deal with this. After all she did this for a reason at the time. She needs to figure out what lead her to go astray in the marriage. All cheaters do it for a reason, a reason only known to them. Generally the reasons tends to be that they were seeking love, attention, affection or attraction from someone who was more than willing to give it to them. They crave something that they are missing at home, and when one is lonely it makes a person even more vulnerable and liable to act out, etc. It's going to be hard to trust her, that's just how it works when a person cheats. She acted out and betrayed you. Now she has to be willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. And has to earn your trust back, which again will take time to do. All of these thoughts and feelings are totally normal for you to experience, given what you've gone through.
Divorce isn't the answer for everything including adultery. If the problems in a marriage can be worked out and bring the couple closer than ever before, then why not work it out?! That seems like the most logical thing to do, but in this day and age everyone seems to be ready to divorce so quickly, hence why more than 50% of marriage end in divorce b/c no one is either willing or able to work their problems out, they'd rather run away and hide from their problems, which, of course, isn't the answer. You need to discuss your options and if at all possible try to work these issues and problems out. It can bring you closer together than you are right now. One day you might be able to look back and say, wow, look at all that we went through to get where we are today! The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. I hope this helps you some.
