QuestionHi Donald, I have been married a little over a year. My marriage has been mostly rough. My husband has a problem with his rage and he never communicates with me. My story might be strange since i donot think anyone else has ever gone though this.We belong to India and he belongs to a pretty orthodox family. All my friends tell me that he is lucky to have me but he doesn't feel that way. Don, he has deeply hurt me many times and every time i have talked to him and let him know what has hurt me, he just tells me it is all imaginary and that he has done nothing that can hurt anyone.Everytime we end up in fights and I end up crying though the night alone.He has hit me physically and has threatened me many times too. I know that it is wrong but am also in self doubt as to weather I am expecting too much? Within 10 days of out marriage he had threatened to slap me because I told him about a incident during our marriage where I didn't like her sister pocketing some money(it is social ill called dowry in India).After we married he continued to contact his ex-girl friend and we had many fights over this.Once when we went to his sisters house he didn't want to even sleep next to me.I tried to hug him and he was nervous and didn't even hug me there, saying that he is not comfortable hugging me at his sister's house (even though there was no one in the room).I felt extremely hurt.Don , is it normal ?? i cannot think so!! Even on our wedding night he spent his time with his parents and sister till 3 am in the morning!! Don, should I have left him just then??? Does he even love me? I don't feel much of it though. I don't even feel like sleeping with him anymore of so much od emotional hurt!! There are so many more similar incidences!! He has even slapped me and called me narrow minded and names because on his birthday when talking to his friend's wife he commented that just because she called him, it made his day... i felt bad, felt he was flirting , which he did not agree to.Donald, I never feel I am family with him, I always feel that for him family is his parents and sister and not me!! He has a tendency to hide things from me. He everyday spends atleast 60 mins on phone with his sister and mother and they talk about what cereal we ate but if i ask anything related to the same he has nothing to say. Donald I feel suffocated and helpless in this situation. He is caring if i fall sick and he does make sure i have my medicines... and helps me cook etc... but that is like what my roommate used to be... doesn't feel like i have a husband. We don't have a healthy sex life ... we don't have any at all .... its almost once/twice in a month..though he hugs me everyday when i return from work ! Donald I don't know if this marriage will work! I was married before for just 1 month. It was a arranged marriage and it didn't work but this time we though we were in love but may be married too soon , within 2 months of meeting each other.But this time I have endured a lot and tried my best to communicate and create a relationship that matters because I didn't want my 2nd marriage to fail too. Donald, please help me ... am I right in feeling this relationship can only cause me pain? or is there any hope ?? I am becoming depressed, helpless and lonely because of this unhappiness and I don't want to go mad because of this !! Please advice .
AnswerHi Ruc,
If you read your own message to me, you will find a lot of answers in there. Read it like it was someone else sending it to you, and you'll see that there is more reason not to be in this marriage than there is reason to be in it.
That having been said, I think you both need to sit down and discuss matters soon , because you will only get more frustrated as this continues. Resolve to sit him down whether he likes it or not, because you need to tell him that you have reached your limit.
In all honesty..........if he ever laid a hand on you, you should have left him right then and there. If he did it once, he'll do it again. If you feel that you need to give him another chance, then sit down and talk with him, but otherwise, consider the fact that if he was able to strike you, then there is little room to believe that in the future he will give you the respect you desire. Any man that feels he has to strike a woman has already indicated to me that he is not a man, but more so an insecure child who lashes out as opposed to talking and finding solutions to problems. I see it as the action of a very weak person.
It's your call, but I don't think it should be a very difficult decision, considering what I have read from you.
kind regards,
Don.
