QuestionQUESTION: I have been married for 3 yrs. In total, weve been together for 11. I am 31 and we have just bought a house together. Even before we were married, we almost broke up because she felt i dont make her a priority. I dont deny this. I have a steady job (well it always has been steady, not looking too good right now.) and I also make some decent cash playing in a band on the weekends, which takes me away at least 4 times a month on average, sometimes out of state, allthough im mostly home afterwards. For a long time, i have not really felt her as sexually desireable. She is a beautiful girl, and a good wife. Im just not happy in the bedroom. She is extremely boring and has not had more than 2 sexual partners before me. Im not proud of it but I have been cheating on her for years. All meaningless, untill now. There is a new person who I feel amazing with. She knows my entire story, including my past, and still wants to be with me. Our relationship did not get physical untill about 8 months after we started talking and its amazing. Not only do I have way more in common with her than i do my wife, She fullfills any fantasy that I can think of just about. I know its still new but I can totally see myself having a future with her. I have met her family and despite knowing I am married, still accept me and like me. Do I stay in something just because its the right thing to do?? Im just not sure that I love my wife anymore. I know it would be an extremely difficult road to go down, as neither one of us can afford the house on our own. Please help to shed some light on this.
Thank you for any help
ANSWER: Hi Chris,
Let me ask you this: if your wife had written me this same letter, what do you think I would say? I might tell her how selfish she is for lying and deceiving you, and for doing something that will undoubtedly cause gut-wrenching pain to you once it is discovered. And what for? Her own selfish need to have what it is she wants that makes her feel good, no matter who it hurts or what damage it causes. I think I might add that she is exhibiting the height of immaturity, which is an inability to use self discipline, self control, and to delay gratification, which is an uncontrollable desire to take what you want when you want it without regard of the consequences.
I promise you that your new love is not the answer, and if you thought you were going to get an endorsement from me for what you have done, think again. Take a look at the situation ... the mature thing to do would have been to work on your marriage. To stop blaming your wife and look within for why she may be unexciting in the bedroom and elsewhere -- perhaps you bore her or aren't interested in pleasing her. Maybe you act distracted or not present ... it sure does sound like your mind has been somewhere else. If you are unhappy, my advice would have been to work on your marriage, and if you could not jump start it, to part amicably. Then would be the time to date. But you have gone ahead and done what you wanted ... you have created an enormous mess and are in a new relationship based on lies. Your new love can know for sure that she has found a man who when the going gets tough, he gets going to a new relationship. And a woman who would involve herself in such a situation also isn't a good bet ... do you think you can really trust her to do the right thing within your relationship? Perhaps two people who are so lost and self-centered probably deserve each other.
I urge you to free your wife to go find happiness for herself. She deserves to know who and what she married. There is no excuse for infidelity, my friend. No time, no way. While you are thinking about all this, think also about whether or not you are the man you hoped to be.
I hope this helps. Now go do the right thing.
Doctor Becky
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you for the quick response. I know I deserve what you said. Like i said I'm not proud of it. But why has it always happened?? Maybe I never really loved her?? I just don't know. The new girl isn't allthat new. We've been talking for a long time and it just grew. I know I'm terrible for lying and doing what I did. If inwas to tell my wife the WHOLE truth now it would kill her. She knows a bit but not the whole thing. Again, thank you for giving me your honest opinion, and no I wasn't looking for condonement. I know I'm wrong and selfish I'm just looking to find out why I feel this way...
AnswerMy dear Chris, no one can tell you why you feel this way. Only you can answer that question. I urge you to go to a good therapist who can help you answer it for yourself. I think you will find it a fascinating process, and very helpful.
No matter how long you have known the other woman, it is not right, and she is not the answer. You will repeat this same disaster with her if you do not get your questions answered. Go learn about yourself - it'll change your life!
Doctor B
