QuestionI have been married for almost 11 years now. I have 4 wonderful children and my wife and I have just began to develop our selves fincially and in education. While we have alot of good things going for use I feel that my wife is overly controlling of me and the children. I make a majority of the money and almost alone grossed six figures this year. I have put her through school and even supported her as she graduated with a bachelors in communication design then decided to try her hand at teach, which she was teaching assistant before. The reason i bring up the money is that I have no access to it. The money all goes to her account and has told me that the bank would not let me in on the account due to a poor credit (as a young adult I was irresponsible with my money). The vechiles are in her name and I have no credit cards on me. She has opend accounts under my name but i do not know how many or what is on them. I do know that they are usually maxed out. I am given $11 a day Mon-Fri and $5 a day Sat-Sun. Her and two of my kids have cell phone, I however do not. I work two fulltime jobs and go on about 3-6 hours of sleep per day with sometimes going past 24 hours awake. I am not a vocal person unless I get angry and in the begining of our marriage I was physically and verberly abusive. I have since worked with a anger mangment counslor and have not struck her or degraded her in almost 5 years. I know that I have not been the best husband in the world but I do feel that she has isolated me from my father, mother and brothers the best she can and has constantly reminded me that her and the kids should be my main focus. She uses the bible to justify her postions, and at times I feel like I get beat by it. Alot of my older friends that used to know me told me that I had became relusive and to a certain point jumpy at the fact that my wife would in my terms "get pissed" if she knew I was talking to some of my old friends, whom she feels would have negative impact on me. In the last few years I have started to come back to my old personality and I can tell she does not know how to respond. while I still do not push alot of the limits I have began to push back. I love my kids and I do see that we have come along way and accomplished a great deal together, but I don't know how much longer I repress my desires. I would like to focus some on me and even begin to have a social life. My brothers are older now and are starting to have families of their own. I would like to be apart of this, but she has reservation due to a my brothers drinking. Can you please help me understand if i still need to work on some aspects of me or have I done more then what a normal person would do. By the way marriage counseling is out of the question because she feels that we should give our problems to God and allow him to handle them.
AnswerHi Shawn,
Thanks for writing. You have my deepest sympathy for living with your Hitler-like wife -- not only is she Hitler but she behaves that way in the name of God. How convenient.
Here's the problem: Any control she has over you, you have given to her. Why you did this I do not know, but perhaps it was due to guilt over your past crimes in the marriage. Still, at the end of the day, it has all been your choice to hand the money over to her, to not visit your family, and have the miserable life you have. You are not her victim, you are a victim of your own poor decisions.
Repressing is never a good thing. The only a way a person can be happy is to be who he really is. People who damper themselves down are sure to be angry and miserable. You really have to learn to have the courage to stand up for yourself and take your power back. That does not mean to bully her, it just means to be true to yourself and what you believe in, no matter what she says. It means forming a partnership with her based on equality instead of the evil dictatorship you now find yourself in. If she gets angry, so be it.
The first thing I would do would be to have my paychecks put into my own personal account. She can have her account, and you can set up a third account for the family. Each of you can contribute to the household and have equal access to that account. Your account and her account would be your own separate -- and private -- accounts. The second thing I would do is go visit each and every member of my family and tell them that you have been a wimp under your wife's control, but that those days are gone. You are back -- hallelujah!
There is a book I love to recommend called, "No More Mr. Nice Guy,"by Dr. Robert Glover. (http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/). Read it. Also read "The Way of the Superior Man," by David Deida. These two books will change your life and help you find your way back to you. When you're done with those, read "The Four Agreements," by Don Miguel Ruiz. Those three books will change your life if you take them to heart, and you won't even have to go to a counselor to do it.
Good luck to you, now go take your power back!!
Doctor Becky
