QuestionHello, I've read a lot of your advice on here, and it has been worthwhile, so I
thought I'd see if you have time to help me as you've helped so many others.
My wife and I have been together 6 years, and it has been a real rollercoaster.
The first year was great in all respects, but then she fell back into her drug
habits when we moved to her hometown. It's "only" pot and alcohol, but I was
a pot head for many years when I was younger, and am all too familiar with
its devastating effects. She has some real issues with handling pressure, and
she uses those substances to soothe her tension. Of course in the long run,
they only leave her even more powerless against coping with life. Add to this
already big issue is her sexual fear. We have great affection (kissing and
being close), but love-making is just somehow scary for her. We made love
daily in our first year, but I always felt like it was just to please me, and that
was later confirmed indirectly, when she admitted that she doesn't get
aroused (like it's "broken" down there). After that first year, we have made
love monthly at best, 3 months at worst. She says she wants to have a
"normal" sex life, but nothing ever changes, and I got tired of trying long ago.
Now if it wasn't already bad, throw into the mix that she can't accept
responsibility for her actions, and she is extremely reactionary and
defensive... about anything and everything. There are many things that keep
us together, but I feel unhappy about 70% of the time, and I am normally a
very, very happy and positive person.
A year ago, I reached my breaking point, and I threatened to leave her,
despite still being deeply in love with her. She was devastated, not realizing
things were "that bad." Despite my many confrontations about her drug and
alcohol abuse, among the other things mentioned above. We talked it out for
what I thought would be one last time, and we had a good cry. She vowed to
make efforts to improve herself and make better choices, as did I- I'm not
perfect. But even just a week later she was back to getting high every night,
and reacting strongly about everything, rubbing my faults in my face so to
speak, so it wouldn't be all her fault. I stood up for myself, and we argued a
lot more because of it. The next year, leading to present day, has just been
more of the same, and I am at that same breaking point. We really can't
financially afford counseling, and I think it's a lost cause anyway, because I
think I can find someone that is more compatible with me, and someone who
will bring me up instead of down.
Thanks in advance for any thoughts, reality checks or otherwise.
AnswerHi Exhausted~
Your wife is a drug addict. It's the drugs talking when she's high and even when she's not. Drugs can take a huge toll on your life not to mention your body. You can't reason or even threaten her. She doesn't care at this point, the drugs are more important to her. Then you throw alcohol into the mix and you have a huge mess. She's choosing the drugs and alcohol over you and the marriage. Not a good thing at all.
It sounds like you already know what you want, and it's to ultimately get out of the marriage. Even as much as you might not want to, perhaps it's time you start moving on with you life w/o your wife in it. If you ever want to be happy some changes need to be made.
You can't make a person change that refuses to change. She first has to acknowledge that she has a problem. Then she has to want to seek the help she needs to stop using the drugs and alcohol. The drug and alcohol use is what's making her act this way; withdrawn, low sex drive, etc.
Whatever decision you make isn't going to be an easy one. You should go with your heart and do what's right for you, and what makes you happy. Until you're ready to make that decision, all you can do is to take life one day at a time, and see what happens.
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
